Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
What does it mean to let go?
In my graduate school days, I invited a friend over to dinner, adding, “Oh, and bring your wife!” We had previously met a couple of times, at their home and mine, and I wanted to make clear that she was invited too. That casual phrase seriously offended him, however. They cut me off completely, pointedly ignoring me when our paths crossed. For many years afterwards, I obsessed over this incident, feeling misunderstood and poorly treated by a couple I liked. That event and its consequences would hurt whenever I was reminded of them. I just couldn’t let it go.
When you let go, you intentionally loosen and get rid of an attachment you have to a past event, outcome, or identity. This is a conscious, psychological process of changing your relationship with your own history, so that it no longer dictates your present. It is not about forgetting the past or giving up. In most instances, not letting go has consequences for our own well-being.
All of us have stories about events and relationships in our lives that we’ve had trouble letting go; many with more serious outcomes. I read about a woman whose son died in an accident. As a coping mechanism, she kept his social-media accounts active, posting as him and responding to comments for years. This obsession affected the bond with her surviving daughter, harming their relationship.
A young boy who moved with his parents to another city couldn’t get over leaving his best friend behind. Unable to make friends in his new school, he also performed poorly in class. A man in his 80s kept his dead wife’s side of the bedroom exactly as it was for fifteen years after she died, down to the glass of water on the nightstand. He felt moving anything would amount to betraying her. Unable to move past his loss, he stopped engaging with his children and grandchildren and ignored his own health.
Why is letting go so hard?
Letting go can be very difficult. It is not just an emotional or logical choice; it is a biological and psychological battle against our brain’s survival instincts. Our brains and nervous systems have evolved so that we tend to prioritize our safety, stability, and connections over our happiness or well-being. Any change feels like a threat to our survival.
Dr. Joe Dispenza, an international lecturer, researcher, and corporate consultant, says that it often involves a “civil war” between your logical mind and your biological hardwiring. We are averse to loss, and our brains are hardwired to feel the pain of a loss twice as intensely as the joy of a gain.
Letting go feels like losing a piece of ourselves. We fear the uncertainty of cutting loose more than the known discomfort and pain. We prioritize familiarity over logic, and we have a strong need for our “issue” to be resolved.
Why is letting go important?
We have to recognize when holding on is causing more harm than the thing we are afraid of losing. Letting go of it is essential for our mental health, personal growth, and future happiness. This action releases the psychological weight that keeps us stuck in unproductive cycles, allowing us to stop fighting a past we cannot change and start focusing on a present we can actually influence.
When we let go, we begin to experience life fully, and our overall well-being improves. We acquire emotional freedom: the baggage of grudges, guilt, or pain is washed away, creating room for joy, gratitude, and other positive emotions along with increased mental energy.
The associated burden of mental stress, and in many cases chronic anger, anxiety, and depression, disappears. Our inner peace is restored. We are better able to discover new opportunities and strengths and develop healthier, more authentic relationships, fostering trust and respect. We free up mental resources and energy to be more present with what truly matters to us right now, rather than continually looking back. We learn to focus on what we can control; the resilience and psychological flexibility that we develop with this acceptance make us more adaptable to challenges.
In his book A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, Eckhart Tolle explains that true power comes to us not from the ‘need’ to retain possession of something, but from the inner strength of non-attachment: “Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on.”
What happens when you don’t let go?
Medical research tells us that the inability to let go, specifically the persistence of lingering negative emotions, is a significant predictor of long-term physical and mental decline. Chronic emotional states like resentment, anger, and rumination trigger sustained physiological responses that damage multiple body systems.
Chronic stress and anger are leading risk factors for heart disease, comparable to smoking or obesity. Prolonged release of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline can damage arteries by causing plaque buildup, increasing the risk of heart attack or stroke. Our immunity is compromised; repressing emotions or holding onto negative feelings suppresses the body’s immune response, making individuals more susceptible to common colds and more serious infections.
Stress — a ‘fertilizer’ for disease
Loneliness and chronic emotional stress act as a “fertilizer” for disease by promoting systemic inflammation, which can accelerate cancer-cell growth or contribute to Alzheimer’s disease. It adversely impacts those already dealing with serious illness. Patients with existing conditions like cancer or kidney failure who use defense mechanisms to “mask” or deny their inward feelings have higher mortality rates.
Not letting go adversely impacts brain health as well. Failing to resolve emotional conflict is strongly linked to the development of anxiety, severe depression, and PTSD. Prolonged stress can lead to a reduction in brain volume in areas critical for higher functioning, such as the prefrontal cortex and hippocampus.
What letting go is not
Letting go is an active, courageous choice; it is not giving up, apathy, indifference, or a sign of weakness. It is a mindful decision based on clarity. Letting go doesn’t mean you stop feeling sadness, regret, or disappointment; it means you are no longer a prisoner of those feelings. You do not have to forgive someone to let go of the weight they placed on you. Letting go does not mean you no longer love or care for someone or something you have lost; it allows you to channel those memories or love into ways to honor them.
When you let go, you begin to move forward again. A popular quote summarizes the teachings of the Sufi mystic and poet Rumi on the subject of attachment and detachment:
“Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.”