Q I’m dating a woman who’s really great, except for the fact that she’s constantly questioning me whenever we spend any time apart. To give you an example, when I go out with friends, she has to know where I’m going, when I’m going to be back, and exactly who else will be there. One time, when I was out with friends, she even surprised me by just showing up with her own friends! While I really like her, I just don’t think I can deal with this. Any suggestions?
A I can appreciate that the behavior you describe is making you feel frustrated. My first suggestion is to take the time to have a heart-to-heart with her. Start the conversation by expressing to her how much you really like her, and what about her in particular makes you feel she’s so great. If you’re exclusive with her, let her know that you chose to be exclusive with her because of the person she is and that you are not interested in exploring a relationship with any other woman. It is possible that she is feeling insecure and your spelling out for her how important she is to you may go a long way towards alleviating any concerns she may have (justified or not). You may also wish to ask her if there is any particular behavior or habit of yours which is causing her any concern. While you may be exhibiting what in your mind may be pretty innocuous behavior, it may be triggering in her concerns based on a past relationship she’s had, or even based on a relationship someone in her life has had or is currently having. While you are certainly not responsible for any other guy’s behavior, at times it can be difficult for many of us to view each new relationship or person unbiased by our previous experiences (or even vicarious experiences shared with us by people in our lives). Let her know that you highly value her trust, and will not betray it.
During this conversation I would also express how her behavior makes you feel. Let her know that you like her so much that you do not want to let her behavior get in the way of your relationship. Let her know how important it is to you that the person you are with trusts you. If the foregoing does not alleviate the situation, you may want to encourage her to seek counseling to work through the cause of what sounds like trust issues. If you really like her, perhaps you can let her know that you will support her as she seeks counseling.
Best wishes!w nJasbina Ahluwalia is a former attorney and the founder of Intersections Match, the only national, personalized, matchmaking firm for singles of South Asian descent. www.IntersectionsMatch.com.Jasbina@IntersectionsMatch.com.