Too Quick to Judge?

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Q I feel like I know instantly if someone is worth a second date, but people tell me I’m too quick to judge. What do you think?

A As a matchmaker and dating coach to highly selective men and women, this question comes up frequently. There are three things to keep in mind.

• From your experience, how well do you think the guy actually knows you after just the first date? It can be difficult to truly know another multi-dimensional person after just a single date. The process of getting to know someone can be analogized to peeling back the many layers of an onion.

• Instant chemistry may not be as great a tell-tale sign of potential as you might think. At times, instant chemistry may be based on no more than repeating patterns from your past, some of which will not serve you well in the long-term.

• Also keep in mind that some men who may be great partner material are just not as great daters. On extreme ends of the continuum, a player with a lot of dating practice, motivated to tell you exactly what you want to hear, may very well make a better first impression than a less experienced commitment-minded guy who may just be nervous during a first interaction.

Bottom line is that you may be missing out on some great potentials by limiting your assessment of a guy’s potential exclusively to what you learn during your first interaction.

Q I feel like my frustration with the dating process is making me bitter. Should I take a break or just push through and hope I meet someone?

I hear your frustration. Putting yourself out there again and again can be emotionally draining and take a toll. That said, a positive attitude is crucial in the dating process. Your feelings of frustration and bitterness are likely more transparent to dates than you might realize, and it sounds like a break would be a good idea. Make that break count by doing self-nurturing activities which feed your soul—here are three ways to do this:

• Pursue passions such as music, sports, art or travel.

• Embrace a daily gratitude practice where you recount the day’s experiences for which you’re most grateful.

• Spend time with friends and family who are in romantic relationships, and try to steer clear of people with negative views of relationships or the opposite sex.

Savor your break from dating, while at the same time try not to stay out of the dating world for too long. While dating certainly can take us out of our comfort zones and make us feel vulnerable, the rewards of a healthy and happy relationship make it well worth it.

Jasbina is the founder and president of Intersections Match, the only personalized matchmaking and dating coaching firm serving singles of South Asian descent in the United States. She is also the host of Intersections Talk Radio, a monthly lifestyle show. www.IntersectionsMatch.com.Jasbina@intersectionsmatch.com.

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