Q I’ve been married for almost seven years. My husband was born in India and came to the United States when he was 18 years old. I was born here. The two of us met while in college, fell in love and then married. We don’t have kids. Now my husband wants a divorce. When I ask him for a reason, he just says we have nothing in common.
I believe that my husband is dealing with other unrelated issues and unfairly taking it out on our marriage. We’re currently separated. When do I know that it’s time to let him go? Should I hold on and hope that my husband will eventually come around?
AI’m sorry to hear this and I appreciate your thoughtful question. Have you considered working with a marriage and family therapist during this period of separation? If you both are willing to participate in counseling, I would strongly encourage you to do so. You are certainly not alone. There are even therapists who work primarily with couples of South Asian descent. Marital counseling should provide an environment where both you and your husband have the opportunity to openly share your thoughts and feelings with each other. With the assistance of the trained therapist, perhaps you both will be able to work through the issues you are experiencing. Many marriages go through periods of difficulty and emerge stronger and happier than before.
If he is not willing to participate in counseling at all, he may have already concluded that he is no longer interested in continuing the relationship.
In my opinion, once either partner is clearly no longer interested in continuing the relationship, the other partner should honor him or herself by accepting the decision. Whether your husband’s reason for making this decision is that he believes that the two of you have nothing in common or that he may be having issues apart from your marriage, my suggestion to you would be: prioritize your own well-being.
If your husband is not willing to continue working on your relationship, try your best not to spend your energy and time on why he has made his decision or what may be responsible for his decision. This is easier said than done, especially given the many of us tend to crave closure, but it is worth the considerable effort required to let go. I encourage you, instead, to focus your time and energy on self-healing, including tapping into the energies of your support system. Best wishes to you during this challenging time.
Jasbina Ahluwalia is a former attorney and the founder of Intersections Matchmaking, the only national, personalized, matchmaking firm for singles of South Asian descent. www.IntersectionsMatch.com. Jasbina@IntersectionsMatch.com.