It’s Valentine’s Day….
…and I have very strong feelings about it!
Being in love and caring for a person shouldn’t necessarily translate into rescheduling your day, ignoring your personal wellness, buying expensive gifts, and making a dinner reservation at an impossible-to-reserve space at the peak of New York winter. No, thank you, another capitalistic holiday that makes single people feel awful and puts non-single people under performance pressure!
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My husband and I order takeout: Kitchen closed and pajamas on in the middle of the week = bliss. Showing up for our own selves as well as for each other every day is more important to me than Instagram-worthy posts about an expression of love and gift exchange. How can a day dictate Today you dedicate it to love. Not putting any pressure is both a form of self-love as well as an expression of care for your partner. This can only happen if you love yourself fully and don’t let a capitalistic holiday like Valentine’s Day define what love should look like.
Loving yourself
Loving yourself first is essential to forming healthy, fulfilling relationships because it sets the foundation for how you relate to others. Between patriarchy, cultural conditioning, and gender stereotyping … we are so busy seeking external validation that we lose our center and forget who we are outside of others’ opinions of us.
I was talking to a friend the other day and she said that most of the women she knows … are “alone.” Here’s what is interesting … not all of her female friends are single, divorced, or widowed. Many of them are still married. But despite being in a relationship … a large majority of them feel alone. Meaning, the partner exists, and there is no marital discord. But the relationship lacks alignment, chemistry, and connection. There are two people orbiting around each other in a home, but there is no link that ties them together. I wonder if the alone-ness comes from lack of self-love.
People fall in and out of love. It’s never one thing and hardly a simple occurrence. We all know that there is no formula or recipe for a happy relationship because individuals keep evolving and transforming along with their needs. Relationships take work, and who knows when one person decides, I just don’t wanna anymore.
New beginnings
In my experience, people who love themselves fiercely are less bitter about relationships or friendships ending and more open to the idea of new beginnings. But people who have only loved themselves from the eyes of others, feel a bit lost when they find themselves alone … be it literally or figuratively.
Earlier in January, I attended a business retreat in Mexico with 8 other women in leadership who are also business owners and creative professionals. We worked hard, laughed a lot, learned immensely, brainstormed with generosity, went on long walks, and indulged in some delicious, authentic Mexican meals. This group too included married as well as single women. The common theme was loving ourselves fully and filling our own cup with love and self-worth because you can’t pour from an empty cup. I was blown away by how generous, successful, and supportive this tribe was. And it was because each person loved themselves unapologetically whether they were in a committed relationship or not.
1. You Set the Standard for How Others Treat You
I used to tell my dad that we are human beings, not samosa or pizza—meaning it’s not our job to please others. When you love and respect yourself, you establish boundaries that communicate your worth to others. This encourages healthier, more respectful interactions. Also, self-love helps you remain calm and rational during disagreements because your sense of worth isn’t dependent on the outcome of a conflict.
2. You Develop Emotional Independence
When I was a teenager, someone was always egging or praising another person at family gatherings just so they could manipulate them. I never fell for it, and as a result … I was that cousin having fun on the dance floor until wee hours instead of getting caught in the false-web-of-praises and finding myself cooking 20 kgs of fish curry. Self-love fosters inner strength and contentment, reducing the tendency to rely on others for validation or happiness. This independence allows for more balanced, fulfilling relationships.
3. You Cultivate Authenticity
I am not good with performative relationships. I accept people for who they are (not a version that seems more aligned to my liking) and expect the same in return. Loving yourself enables you to embrace your true self as well as meet people where they are. When you’re authentic, you attract people who genuinely appreciate and align with who you are.
4. You Avoid Toxic Patterns
I teach yoga to survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault, and I see how many women stay in abusive relationships. How many times have you met a couple and wondered why they are still together despite one of the partners being overbearing and the other, submissive. A lack of self-love can lead to settling for unhealthy relationships, over-giving, or tolerating disrespect. Self-love helps you recognize red flags and make better choices because on the cellular level you know and believe that you are worth it.
5. You Communicate More Effectively
There is a Holi gathering at one of my cousin’s homes, which we are all looking forward to. But I told her that we’ll hang out until the party ends but won’t stay the night unlike the rest of the gang. Sundays are sacred and so are my morning rituals and my husband’s Sunday activities that he enjoys. Because I communicated ahead of time with honesty and kindness, my cousin was totally fine with it and understood why I wanted to wake up in my own home on a Sunday. People who love themselves are better at expressing their needs and listening to others. This promotes clarity, understanding, and empathy in relationships.
6. You Radiate Positivity
When you love yourself, you exude positive energy, which naturally enhances your connections with others. You are not overthinking or calculating how your actions will impact other people’s behavior. Confidence and self-compassion are attractive qualities.
Contrary to popular belief, loving yourself first isn’t selfish—it’s the key to healthier, more harmonious relationships with others. It ensures that you enter connections from a place of strength, understanding, and respect, rather than from a need for validation or external approval. It’s the best form of self-care!
“It’s all about falling in love with yourself and sharing that love with someone who appreciates you, rather than looking for love to compensate for a self love deficit.” ~ Eartha Kitt
Photo by Hassan OUAJBIR: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-doing-hand-heart-sign-1535244/