My Client is 36, successful and attractive, but a bit on the curvy side for some men’s preferences. Yet she’s really selective. Basically, she shoots out of her league in the visual department. What would your advice be to her without pissing her off?
I’d consider introducing her to a few men with the physical traits she seeks, where there’s a match in terms of life goals, values, and world-views. If she’s shooting out of her league in the visual dept, I’d anticipate that the feedback from the men she dates would consistently be that there’s no attraction or chemistry.
I would share that feedback candidly, together with suggesting that as the empowered woman she is, she has two options from which to choose. One would be to open herself up to guys who appreciate her physical traits; or alternatively take measures to change those physical traits which appear to be an issue for the guys she’s choosing to limit herself to.
Do you like to share negative feedback? How do you share it in a compassionate way?
It can be so hard to get outside of ourselves, and from the very beginning of our process I convey to prospective clients that frank and candid feedback is an extremely valuable component of our matchmaking services.
This is another example of where it’s helpful to remind our clients that we give our own meaning to circumstances, and importantly, the meaning we give is actually a choice we make.
I encourage our clients to view negative feedback as empowering. Sharing negative feedback in a compassionate and constructive way gives my clients the golden opportunity to seize control by becoming aware and then taking steps to change what may not be working for them.
I also like to sandwich any negative feedback whenever possible. In other words, start with anything positive their match said, then share the negative feedback, and then share something else positive.
Jasbina is the founder and president of Intersections Match, the only personalized matchmaking and dating coaching firm serving singles of South Asian descent in the United States. She is also the host of Intersections Talk Radio, a monthly lifestyle show. www.IntersectionsMatch.com. Jasbina@intersectionsmatch.com.