1. Use Kind Physical Attention
A gentle touch is often enough to “reset” a person’s mental circuitry and ease them out of their heightened emotional state. Not everybody responds to physical touch in the same way though. If your partner is someone who may be further triggered by physical contact, focus on using loving body language instead: point your feet toward the person, relax your arms by your sides, and make eye contact.
2. Use Humor
Laughter is a great equalizer and can be a useful tool to snap someone out of a defensive mindset. Read your partner and yourself carefully: if your humor is mean-spirited or if your partner only appears further triggered, then back off.
3. Establish a “Time Out” Rule
Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is to create some space, both physical and temporal around the argument. This allows both partners to disengage, self-regulate, and then re-approach the conflict later on from a state of mutual respect instead of emotional reactivity. Just be sure that both of you reconnect later to work through the issue.
4. Repeat What the Other Person is Saying.
Restating key things your partner says (in a genuinely interested way, not a childish mimicking way) shows that you’re listening, which is critical. It also offers a helpful jumping off point for both of you to re-examine and re-frame your needs and make sure you’re being clear. Actions speak much louder than words.
5. Use the “My Story” Framework
Your feelings and thoughts are completely valid, and you are free to express them—as is your partner. By framing your concerns with the opener “The story I’m telling myself about this is….,” you can advocate for yourself without coming off as accusatory, and help your partner understand your perspective. n
Jasbina Ahluwalia is the Founder-President of Intersections Match by Jasbina, the only premier dating coaching firm for Indian singles in the US, Canada and the UK. Jasbina@Intersectionsmatch.com