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Where have all my deep male friendships gone?
I received two cues over the Memorial Day Weekend to write this article. A good friend called on Saturday; I’ve known him for 53 years. “Another friend just called to share something he’d read,” my friend told me. “As we get older, men find it increasingly difficult to talk to other men about things weighing on their minds. My friend plans to connect with others more regularly, and I’m calling to let you know that I’ve decided to do the same.” He added, “Maybe you should write about this problem?”
I was perusing the papers over coffee the next morning, and came across Sam Graham-Felsen’s article in the New York Times Magazine: Where have all my deep male friendships gone? “The last problem I ever thought I would have was loneliness,” he begins, and then goes on to describe the several good male friends he had growing up, how things changed over time, and how he seldom talks to them anymore. “The notion that men in this country suck at friendship is so widespread that it has become a truism, a punchline,” Graham-Felsen says.
This loneliness often worsens as we age, along with the feeling that there’s no one to talk to and confide in when facing difficulties or distress. And that can have serious health and well-being consequences.
Friends come in many shapes and sizes
According to an American Perspectives survey, most adults – about 70% of the respondents polled – have “situational friends” or place-based friendships—with whom they interact, mostly in specific places such as work, school, the gym, or the park. About half have “activity friends,” people with whom they participate in social activities, such as sports, hobbies, or community service. 39% have “online-only friendships,” friends they interact with solely on the internet.
Nearly everyone has childhood friendships that last through adolescence into adulthood; however, these friendships begin to lapse as people age. Almost half of all American adults express some level of dissatisfaction with their friendships, and about one in five are quite unhappy about their lack of friends. This unhappiness is greater in men than in women. These trends have been steadily growing worse, increasing almost threefold in the last 30 years.
Why are men’s friendships so important?
Studies report large differences between men and women when it comes to relying on friends for emotional support. Women are significantly more likely and willing to talk to friends, usually other women, and share their personal feelings and problems. They are also far more likely to have received emotional support from a friend. Men with female friends are more likely to express their feelings to, and receive emotional support from, them; however, men typically have a lot more difficulty connecting this way with other men.
Dr. Adam Borland, a men’s mental health specialist at the Cleveland Clinic, says that the topic of men and friendships is often overlooked. “Friends are the people in our lives that we choose,” he says. Creating and maintaining strong relationships with people outside your family provides you with connection, bonding, motivation, support, and validation.
This helps combat loneliness and isolation, feelings that can significantly impact mental health. By maintaining deep friendships that allow for mutual support and trust, “you get to be there for someone during the difficult times, too — and hopefully, they do the same for you,” says Dr. Borland. Such deep friendships typically require a level of emotional vulnerability that men may not be comfortable with.
Dr. Punit Mahendru, a San Francisco Bay Area psychologist, agrees. “The lack of close friendships among men does lead to loneliness and depression, especially as age advances,” she says. “One of the reasons men don’t seek out help from others, including therapists and physicians, is that they find difficulty being open and vulnerable. Even when men acknowledge this drawback, they find it difficult to change. Their identity is wrapped up in being stoic and holding it in.” According to the AARP, American men, especially those over 50, are suffering through a friendship drought that is making life a lot lonelier.
Exercise your friendship muscle
Recognizing that men need to actively work at changing this mindset, Todd Adams and Frank Naugo started MenLiving, an organization that provides opportunities and support for men to build friendships that are not situational or activity-based and live healthy, intentional, and connected lives. “There is a desperate need for friendships for men of all ages, but more specifically for men who are retired,” Adams told Matt Alderton of the AARP, “I’ve heard from so many men that when their ‘identity’ of being an income producer goes away, so does their value of themselves. That feels very isolating and lonely.”
Kristal DeSantis, family therapist and author of Strong: A Relationship Field Guide for the Modern Man, argues that traditional notions of masculinity lead to feelings of denial and inhibit the development of relationships that enable sharing, vulnerability, and emotional support. A fundamental requirement is intentionality, DeSantis says, “friends don’t just fall into your lap.” Men have to work at it, initially with small first steps and slowly building friendships, regularly exercising their friendship muscle, and constantly practicing the skills to keep and develop those friendships.
“Trust is hard to build because trust travels at the speed of relationships, and relationships take time to build, says David Brooks, founder of Weave – the social fabric project, “but norms are built. If you can shift how people think they should behave, then you can have vast social effects really fast.”
June is Men’s Mental Health Awareness Month
Mamta Mehta, a corporate soft-skills trainer in India, recently shared a post by Ubi Franklin on Art of Poets:
Men cry. Men break down. Men get anxiety. Men feel insecure. Men get abused. Men have emotions. Men have mental illnesses. It’s not “unmanly” to struggle. Let’s support men. Let’s encourage men. Don’t belittle or silence men. Men struggle too.
“To all the men silently fighting battles every day,” Mamta Mehta says, “you are seen, you matter, you are not alone. It’s not ‘unmanly’ to ask for help or to feel deeply. It’s human.”
So, men, listen up. It’s time for us to take heed and take intentional action. Let’s make good, supportive friendships and help heal one another!