Love is Like an Iceberg

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“Hey, did you hear from Nick?”

“It’s been a year, so yes! After their marriage, all my friends disappear. A year later, I hear from them.”

“Seriously? Why do you think so?”

“Simple! The honeymoon is over.”

Every relationship goes through three stages: 

  1. Honeymoon
  2. Plateau
  3. Trauma

A plateau in a relationship is the dying phase of love. The trauma stage is the death of it. You can re-ignite your relationship when you are in the plateau stage, but it is almost impossible from the trauma stage.

It is hard to tell exactly when one stage turns into another, but I have found that probing my clients helps them figure out when problems begin to surface in a relationship.

Three signals that your honeymoon is beginning to fade:

  1. You begin to look for distractions from your relationship, by picking up hobbies and activities which exclude your partner.  
  2. You hesitate to be honest with your partner.  If your values or beliefs are different from your partner’s you cannot speak truthfully, without trying to justify yourself.  Finances, raising children and dealing with in-laws can be major topics of contention.
  3. You begin to obsess about your relationship.  Constantly wondering about what your partner is doing when you are apart, going through his/her messages, wallet/purse or feeling jealous of your partner spending time with siblings or parents, is a call to confront your personal insecurities.

To keep your honeymoon going, you must:

  • Take frequent time-out sessions from your partner.  Going to dinner, a movie, or a trip (even a day trip) with friends, and engaging in a life outside your relationship gives it every chance to thrive.
  • Never seek advice about your relationship from friends or people in similar situations. Friends will always take your side, while people in similar situations cannot tell you what is good for you.
  • Read books by authors who have overcome a similar challenge. Pain transcends gender, ethnicity, financial net-worth and the times people live in. Reading about the experiences of others will help you gain perspective.
  • Avoid distractions, such as social media, television, alcohol, or casual relationships.  Instead, take the time to analyze your frustrations and take responsibility for your own happiness.  Harnessing your creativity (singing, dancing, painting, sports, etc.), engaging in a cause actively and focusing on those less fortunate will help you feel good.
  • Manage your expectations from your partner.  When you come home tired after work, bear in mind that your partner may also be tired. You only attract who you are – if you come home relaxed, you will find everyone is relaxed at home, but when you come home frustrated, you will find that reflected.

Love can be compared to an iceberg.  What you see of an iceberg, is the tip: the 12% that floats on top.

Your conscious mind is 12% of who you are. It contains:

  • Logic
  • Reasoning
  • Analytical abilities
  • Decision-making abilities
  • Your willpower

What you see on the surface is the glamor of love.  Submerged in your subconscious mind, is the invisible aspect of love and life, which is 88%.

Be brave and dive into the subconscious; be honest with what presents itself. The Sanskrit word swadhyaya, meaning self-analysis, is key to understanding yourself.  It is easy to blame others for our own shortcomings. Michael Jackson’s lines, “I’m talking to the man in the mirror. I’m asking him to change his ways,” should be your mantra, whenever something is not working in your favor.

I would like to leave you with three questions. Engage in this exercise in the early morning when your mind is clear.  Try this while spending time  in nature, because if you are in your house it will tend to bring up negative emotions from the past. Treat this time as your personal retreat and sit down to record your answers in a book.

  1. I have lived for ____ number of years. How do I want the next ____ number of years to be?
  2. What is my truth (story)?
  3. Who would I be without this truth (story)?

I wish you happier times.  Namaste!

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