Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
On grief and grieving
I returned home last month from a trip to India to see places and meet family and friends. Two men I wanted to meet died a few days before I got there. I’ll never see them again, and I am still processing the “if only” thoughts that occasionally pop into my consciousness. I spent time instead with their grieving families. The daughter of one asked me if I had written any articles on grief. When I said no, she responded, “Could you?”
This article is for her, and for many others who are now grieving, or will in the future grieve the loss of a loved one. It is informed by my own experiences grieving for the loss of family members whom I loved, and continue to love deeply.
Grief is personal
Grief can be deep and intense, and it is intensely personal. We mourn our loss, even as we begin to learn how to live without his or her presence. Our emotions, feelings, and reactions can overwhelm us; we feel like we’re drowning. There’s a numbness, an emptiness, and a sense of hopelessness as the world we knew comes to a screeching halt. It’s difficult to control our emotions; we almost feel them in our bones. Mood swings are common; we might feel angry or sad one minute and anxious or relieved the next.
The phrase grief pit is used to describe – metaphorically – the profound, overwhelming, and often isolating experience of deep grief. Scientists now understand that grief is not only psychological, it’s also physical. The intense stress that accompanies grief causes the brain to send “a cascade of stress hormones” and other signals to the cardiovascular and immune systems, changing how those systems function. Grief may cause physical sensations in the stomach. Our muscles feel tense, we lose our appetite, and feel listless. Studies continue, seeking to uncover how exactly grieving affects our biology.
No two people grieve alike
Dealing with the loss of a loved one is a human, universal experience. The ways in which we experience the loss and deal with its pain vary widely, however. A recent article in the New York Times describes how people “deviate from culturally accepted rituals of grieving.” One woman began to eat the orange cupcakes her dad loved. Another talked to her dead sister every day. A man who lost his father visited Home Depot when he needed comfort, to remind himself of all the times they went there together. You should not feel obligated to grieve and behave in the way that the family or society expects you to. Regardless of the signals they send you, be yourself and let your emotions flow.
People can be thoughtless
An additional burden the recently bereaved have to bear is the thoughtlessness and sometimes even cruelty – albeit unintentional – of a few who come to express their condolences. These visitors focus on their own memories and sense of loss, and end up having to be consoled instead of the other way around. There’s also the visitor who knows it all. This person will offer unsolicited advice, telling you what you should and should not be doing. I’ll never forget the person who visited a few days after my wife died. “You should have tried such-and-such treatment,” he told me, “She might have survived.”
There is no timeline
Symptoms of grief can last months or longer, though they eventually become less intense in time. The pioneering psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, renowned for her work on death, dying, and grief, developed a model she called the five stages of grief, which is described in her remarkable book On Death and Dying.
Dr. Kübler-Ross helped revolutionize end-of-life care by bringing compassion and open discussion to the topic of death. She was also a co-founder of the modern hospice movement, which provides specialized care for the terminally ill.
This grief model offers a framework for processing loss. The five stages are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Denial is the emotional response to loss; not accepting the reality of our loss sometimes serves to buffer us from the shock. Anger, the next stage, manifests as frustration and rage directed at ourselves, at others, or at a higher power. In the third stage of Bargaining, we try to negotiate or make deals to reverse the loss or change the outcome. In the fourth stage of Depression, a deep sadness, hopelessness, and withdrawal set in as we accept the reality of our loss. And finally, in stage five, Acceptance, we come to terms with this new reality and find a way to live with it, even if it still upsets us periodically.
Grief is complicated; it can be messy. It’s not a well-defined, linear process. You don’t necessarily go through these stages in order; you might skip some, repeat them, or feel several at once. Metaphorically speaking, once again, we can bounce around in our own ‘grief pit’, as well as bounce in and out of it, just as I did.
This model is just a guide to understanding our emotions; it is not a prescription for how grief should be experienced. It applies not just to loss of a loved one, but any other significant loss, like a breakup, setback in health, a job loss, or major change in life, such as retirement or a move that requires you to give up something that’s important to you.
Coping and finding help
Psychologists and grief counselors recommend grief support groups where you can meet others who are also working their way through grief. Sessions with a qualified grief therapist are helpful for some. Books on grief, loss, and bereavement can also be very helpful to understand what you are going through. Others look for answers in friends, philosophy, and art. Having a good friend with whom I could just be myself, a friend who was ready to listen, and was always there for me, and was the crutch I could lean on, was most supportive for me when I grieved for my wife.
Promise me, Dad
During our journey through grief, the compassion of a few, together with a hefty dose of self-compassion, work alongside the passage of time until we come to a point where we feel our grief and ‘living on’ can coexist. Our grief will not go away entirely. We heal. Healing is learning to live well with grief.
In his book, Promise Me, Dad: A Year of Hope, Hardship, and Purpose, Joe Biden, the former president of the United States, recounts what his son Beau said to him in the final months of his battle with brain cancer, “Promise me, Dad, that no matter what happens, you’re going to be all right.” Joe Biden goes on to remark, “through purpose you can find your way through grief.”
David Kessler*, a renowned grief expert, expands on this thought in his book Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. He postulates that finding meaning in your life is a sixth and crucial stage of grief, explaining that this stage is not about achieving “closure” or diminishing the pain, but about transforming grief into a force to honor the memory of your loved one, making your life more peaceful and hopeful in the process.
During the year that I grieved for my wife of 41 years, I often felt stuck in my own ‘grief pit’. In due course, I learned a technique that worked well for me; it’s one that I sometimes use even today. “If she is watching me from somewhere,” I would ask myself, “what advice would she give me? If our roles were reversed, and she was grieving for me, what would I tell her to do?”
*Author’s note: Elizabeth Kübler-Ross published On Death and Dying in 1969. Many years later, in 2005, she co-authored another book: On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss with David Kessler. Reviewers praise the book as a compassionate and invaluable guide that helps readers feel less alone in their loss and guides what to expect during the grieving process.