Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
A matter of control
“Although I wish I had recognised the abuse earlier, talking to someone openly and honestly about what I have experienced helps me understand that I am not to blame.” (Domestic violence survivor – anonymous)
Domestic violence (DV) occurs when one partner exerts control over the other through physical, emotional, psychological, or sexual abuse. Though the abuser may appear as the “bad person”, the reality is that both partners, and often their children, are deeply affected by the dynamics of violence.
At its core, domestic violence violates the basic human right to live safely and free from harm, and it is the responsibility of both individuals and society to recognize, intervene, and protect this right. Without timely intervention, the psychological and emotional consequences can be devastating, leading to isolation, depression, and long-lasting trauma.
While culturally there is often an assumption that domestic violence is primarily a husband’s abuse of his wife, this stereotype fails to capture the full picture. Men, too, can be silent victims, and abuse can occur in both heterosexual and same-sex relationships. It is therefore important to approach assessment without bias, paying attention to the subtle dynamics at play.
Domestic violence among South Asians
Domestic violence within the Indian immigrant population in the U.S. reveals some particularly complex challenges. Studies have shown that South Asian women, including Indian immigrants, report alarmingly high rates of domestic violence, with lifetime prevalence as high as 77%. This violence manifests in multiple ways—physical, emotional, and sexual abuse—but always intersects with cultural, social, and economic realities.
Domestic violence not only affects individual victims, but it also reverberates through families and communities, creating long-lasting hardship. Its impact extends beyond the immediate suffering of the person experiencing abuse, often destabilizing family structures and straining social systems.
Deep impact on children
Perhaps most concerning is its intergenerational transmission—children who witness or grow up in violent households or homes where violence is normalized are deeply impacted. They may internalize these patterns, normalizing violence in relationships in their own lives, and carrying the trauma into adulthood. Growing up, this normalization of violence can shape their internal worlds, leaving them vulnerable to anxiety, confusion, and difficulty with emotional regulation.
In this way, domestic violence becomes not only a personal issue but also a social one, perpetuating cycles of harm across generations. To break this cycle, it is essential to raise awareness through education and community campaigns that highlight both the immediate and long-term societal consequences. Such efforts can foster understanding, reduce stigma, and encourage individuals and families to seek support before patterns of violence become deeply entrenched.
Factors influencing domestic violence
Traditional gender roles and patriarchal structures: These often create expectations that women must carry the full burden of domestic and emotional labor, while men position themselves as primary providers. This can be exacerbated by the “scarcity mindset” carried from India, where financial insecurity looms large and fears about unemployment or loss of income become projected onto spouses.
Household dynamics: These can also shift drastically; in India, many families rely on domestic help, but in the U.S., couples are expected to manage housework themselves. This can create frustration, especially when one partner feels unsupported, unacknowledged, or diminished.
Financial dependency: This adds another layer of vulnerability. Among Indian immigrants, it is common for one partner to be on a dependent visa, legally barred from working until given a permit. This dependency can heighten power imbalances and foster resentment within the marriage.
Acculturation stress: When combined with acculturation stress—such as when one partner has already adapted to life in the U.S. while the other is newly arrived—the couple can become caught in conflict, struggling between traditional values and the pressures of Western norms.
Isolation from extended family: At the same time, the isolation of being far from extended family leaves many without a social safety net, intensifying feelings of loneliness and despair. Unfortunately, stigma and shame around seeking therapy often prevent couples from addressing these issues in a timely way. The impact of domestic violence on children can be profound.
Impact of domestic violence on children
A clinical example illustrates this clearly. During my placement as a counselor in an elementary school, I met a second grader, Jay (name changed to preserve privacy), who had recently begun acting out in disruptive and aggressive ways in the classroom. His teacher described him as loud, uncontrollable, and physically aggressive toward peers.
Initially, Jay presented as cheerful and engaging in our sessions, but through play therapy, he began to reveal more of his inner world. Using figurines, he reenacted scenes of conflict between a couple, sharing that he could hear his parents fighting at home. Though his parents believed they were arguing in whispers, the child was still able to perceive the tension and hostility. This left him confused and unsure whether his perceptions were real. His frustration and helplessness, bottled up at home, surfaced in his behavior at school.
When this was addressed collaboratively with his parents and teacher, Jay’s classroom behavior improved, and his parents sought couples therapy to work on healthier communication. Jay’s case is a vivid reminder that children, even when not directly targeted, absorb the emotional violence around them and often carry it into their own relational worlds. Taken together, these observations highlight that domestic violence is not just a private matter between partners but a cultural and intergenerational issue that requires careful, culturally sensitive intervention.
Within South Asian immigrant communities, therapists and professionals need to recognize the unique stressors of immigration, financial dependency, and acculturation while also validating the universal right of every individual to safety and respect.
Domestic violence must be reframed not as a matter of shame but as an urgent social and psychological concern where seeking help is both necessary and courageous. Addressing it openly can prevent the silent transmission of trauma across generations and open pathways toward healthier, more respectful ways of relating.
How to get help?
Here are some resources and agencies that domestic violence survivors can reach out to:
https://www.nextdoorsolutions.org
And finally, I leave you with this thought.
“Never stop fighting for your freedom, you are worth it!” (DV survivor – Anonymous)