Ranjana’s predicament
Ranjana* is a 48-year-old, first-generation immigrant who is a homemaker and lives in Texas. Her husband, Rajesh*, is a businessman and remains busy. They have a daughter, Aradhaya* who is 18 years old and started college last Fall at a reputable university in a different state. Ever since Aradhaya left home to study, Ranjana lost interest in her daily activities and felt a big void in her life. She misses her daughter very much and is confused. She approached us looking for some insights into her condition.
Q: What is wrong with me?
Dr. Sharma: Ranjana, what you are describing is known as empty nest syndrome (ENS). It is a condition that parents experience when their children leave home. This condition is typically more common among women who have played the role of primary caregiver, like yourself. It is typically characterized by three stages. Stage 1 is anticipation, in which the parent may feel anxious as the child plans to leave the home; Stage 2 is grief, when the child has left the home, and the parent grieves as a caregiver. It is what you are experiencing now. Stage 3 is an adjustment when the parent adjusts to the new situation, finds new interests, and establishes new routines.
In Stage 2 which you are going through right now, one might experience sadness, anxiety over the child’s welfare, a loss of purpose, fear, frustration, crying episodes, feelings of rejection, and a sense of loss. All this needs to be overcome.
Q: How long will I grieve?
Dr. Sharma: For some people, grieving can be for a few weeks to a few months. For others, it may take longer to overcome. There is no fixed recovery time that we can predict. Some factors that can prolong the adjustment period can be a sense of self primarily based on the role as a parent, an unsatisfactory marital life, a general tendency not to accept change as a reality of life, and the presence of other stressors. One needs to reflect on these factors, understand them, and begin coping. Please note that adjustment to this new life almost always happens.
Q: How can I cope at this time?
Dr. Sharma: The first and foremost way to cope with this is to maintain regular contact with the child. You must regularly stay in touch with Aradhaya on the phone, via text messaging, or other forms of social media. You must continue to take an active interest in her hobbies and developments in her life. Second, you must develop your own interests and hobbies. Things that you could not do while you were raising Aradhaya can now take priority. Third, try to socialize with others who are in a similar situation like you or members of your family, friends, and others. You must also ask Rajesh to spend more time with you on activities that both of you enjoy doing. Finally, you should believe that it is a normal process and there is nothing wrong with you. It is also helpful to keep a diary or journal of your feelings which can help you deal with your inner tension and be cognizant of what is bothering you.
Q: Do I need professional help?
Dr. Sharma: Ranjana, it seems you have been struggling with grief for a few months. So, it may not be a bad idea to consult your primary care provider and ask for their opinion especially if it is affecting your day-to-day life. They can, if needed, refer you to a psychiatrist or a psychotherapist. Please note that it is not a sign of weakness to consult a member of the mental health team, and they only provide the support needed. Also, there is no need to feel any form of stigma that may prevent you from seeking such help. According to the 2021 National Health Interview Survey conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), in the past 12 months, about 22% of adults received mental health treatment in the US.
Q: Can Indian philosophy help me in any way?
Dr. Sharma: Yoga and meditation can be helpful. Learning introspection, and mindfulness can also be effective in coping with stress associated with the empty nest syndrome and facilitating quick adjustment.
Question: Can you refer me to some additional resources in this area?
Dr. Sharma: Here are some additional resources from where you can find more information:
- Cleveland Clinic’s website on coping with empty nest syndrome
- Mayo Clinic’s website provides information on how to enjoy an empty nest
- Victoria State Government Department of Health’s website on empty nest syndrome
- Dr. Rachel Gilk’s reflections on empty nest syndrome
- Stress management book with individual chapters on various aspects of managing stress
If you have questions, reach out to Dr. Sharma at editor@indiacurrents.com
*Names changed upon request
