A conversation about death
Most Indian families have not had a conversation about death. In many Indian American households, discussing death is considered inauspicious – it’s a cultural taboo. Mukund Acharya, founder of Sukham, a Bay Area nonprofit that helps Indian American Asian families navigate aging and end-of-life transitions, has spent years learning to open that door.
“One has to build trust. Families need to feel comfortable discussing and sharing personal information and thoughts. We break down barriers and get families to open up by telling stories, sharing experiences. This provides the environment, space, and permission structure for them to share their thoughts, feelings, perspectives, convictions, and fears.”
In the U.S., once an Indian American parent passes away, the family’s next twelve hours will focus on finding a funeral home to organize the last rites. In a Hindu family, some of those tasks will entail finding a funeral home to accommodate traditional last rites within 72 hours, reaching a pandit to officiate the ceremony, obtaining an original death certificate, and locating the parent’s will, if one exists.
Often what follows are unexpected hurdles – a frozen bank account, no passwords to email accounts containing financial statements, or a request to immerse a spouse’s ashes in the Ganga; this requires permission from the Indian Consulate.
Acharya has seen this scenario replay a number of times. “I have (often) heard the phrase ‘my family knows what my wishes are,’” he says of elderly parents who rely on their children to interpret those last wishes. Yet, when asked, “the family members have no idea.” They have no documentation that clearly states their parent’s preferences.
Death and the law
It is tempting to frame the lack of end-of-life preparation in Indian American families as a failure of logistics. The real gap, Acharya says, is emotional and cultural.
“Because of reluctance to talk about death, dying wishes, preference for treatment and care near the end of life, as well as preferences for arrangements after death, families are unable to make decisions for care that their loved one would have liked. Family members disagree on care and treatment decisions, creating conflict and tension. Individuals frequently operate on unstated expectations, assuming everyone is on the same page, which leaves them emotionally stranded and divided during acute grief.”
In America, the law does not recognize unstated expectations. A 2025 Pew Research survey found that only 20% of Americans have made any arrangements for their own burial or funeral, and according to Caring.com’s 2025 survey, only 32% of Americans have a will. Among adults in their 70s, one in four still does not.
In Indian immigrant families, “families rely heavily on cultural assumptions, family unity, and verbal agreements.” explains Acharya. However, U.S. probate courts and financial institutions rely on legal documentation rather than verbal family understandings, leading to probate, family disagreements, and worse.
Standard American estate planning does not address the specific needs of Indian American families. For example, in the U.S., Hindu or Sikh last rites depend on a timeline that most US funeral homes are not designed to accommodate. If a family wants to take a parent’s ashes to India, they need a No Objection Certificate (NOC) from the Indian Consulate; there is also the question of what happens to their property in India if a U.S. citizen dies without a will.
The following guide is intended to help Indian American families navigate important end-of-life matters, such as wills, Advance Healthcare Directives, DNR forms, and other related decisions.
Legal documents you need
A will is not just about money. It is the document that tells your family who gets what, who is in charge, and what your wishes are. Without it, the state of California decides through a process called intestate succession, which distributes assets according to a fixed legal formula that may have nothing to do with what you intended.
A will is also not enough on its own. Most Indian American families need four documents working together.
- A will directs how your assets are distributed after death and names an executor to manage the process. For simple estates held entirely in the US, online platforms like Trust & Will or Cake can produce a legally valid will for under $200. For estates that include property in India, significant assets, or complex family situations — parents on dependent visas, multiple beneficiaries across borders, or trusts for minor children — an estate attorney with cross-border US-India experience is essential. Indian intestacy law applies to property held in India regardless of where the owner lived, and the rules differ from California law in important ways.
- A revocable living trust is worth discussing with an attorney if your estate is likely to go through California probate, which is public, slow, and typically costs between 3% and 7% of the estate’s value. A trust bypasses it entirely.
- A durable power of attorney names someone to manage your finances if you become incapacitated but are still alive. Without this document, a family may need to go to court to gain access to a parent’s accounts while that parent is in a hospital bed.
- A healthcare power of attorney (also called a healthcare proxy) names someone to make medical decisions if you cannot. This document is, in many ways, more immediately consequential than a will. A will only speaks after death. A healthcare proxy speaks while you are still alive and unable to speak for yourself.
What families get wrong about medical wishes
Most Indian American families do not know about these legalities: a standard Advance Healthcare Directive–commonly called a living will–is a legal document, not a medical order. In California, if someone calls 911, paramedics are legally required to perform CPR regardless of what the directive says. The law is unambiguous on this point.
To make your end-of-life wishes legally binding for first responders, you need one of two things.
- A POLST form (Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment) is a medical order — not merely a legal document — printed on bright pink paper and signed by both the patient and the physician. It covers CPR, levels of medical intervention, and artificial nutrition. It travels with the patient and is honored by emergency medical personnel, hospital staff, and nursing facilities. In California, the POLST is the most comprehensive and flexible tool for communicating end-of-life wishes across all care settings.
- A Prehospital DNR form is a state-approved California document that instructs EMS personnel specifically not to perform resuscitation. It must be signed by both the patient and their physician. It covers only the question of CPR, not other interventions.
Both forms require a physician’s signature. Both must be physically present in an emergency. If either is missing or unsigned, California law requires first responders to begin CPR immediately. Posting the POLST on the refrigerator is the standard recommendation — it is the first place emergency responders are trained to look.
Sukham’s resource library at sukham.org includes a detailed guide to Advance Healthcare Directives written specifically for Indian American families, covering both the documents and the conversations required to make them meaningful.
Manage your financial & digital life
When someone dies, the administrative burden falls immediately on whoever is left. Accounts are frozen. Financial statements were sent to an email account no one can access. A brokerage account exists that no one knew about. Cryptocurrency is held in a wallet whose password is gone.
The solution is a single master inventory document that a family can find within an hour of the parent’s death. It needs to exist and be findable.
For Indian American families, this inventory often includes layers that generic estate planning guides do not address: accounts at Indian banks, fixed deposits in India, a family property held jointly with relatives, and retirement funds in both countries. Each has its own nominee requirements and its own transfer process after death.
Digital assets are consistently the most overlooked piece. Email, financial portals, social media, cloud photo storage, and cryptocurrency all require either a designated digital executor or an accessible password record. Services including Google’s Inactive Account Manager and Apple’s Legacy Contact allow you to designate someone to access your accounts after death. Without this, accounts can become permanently inaccessible regardless of what the will instructs.
Hindu last rites in the Bay Area — what families don’t know to ask
Salina Shah, the founder of Desi Daughters, a community platform supporting Indian American families with eldercare and end-of-life resources, says that families are most often caught off guard by unfamiliar funeral home practices. “One of the biggest challenges I was seeing is families not knowing that funeral homes do not always offer cremation services,” she says.
The default practice for EMTs is to take the deceased to the nearest funeral home if the family has not expressed a preference. Most families, focused on grief and paperwork, accept that default. They later discover the funeral home does not perform cremations — and must arrange a transfer to a crematorium while already in crisis, adding cost, time, and logistical burden to an already devastating day.
The solution is to identify a funeral home that serves Indian families in advance, confirm it performs cremations on-site, and make sure at least two family members have that information.
Hindu tradition calls for cremation within 24 to 72 hours of death. California law requires a death certificate before cremation can proceed, which typically sets the practical window at 48 to 72 hours. Most Bay Area funeral homes experienced with Indian families have learned to work within this window without requiring embalming, in keeping with Hindu custom.
Berge Pappas Smith, with locations across the Bay Area, has developed specific protocols for Hindu, Jain, and Sikh last rites. Fremont Memorial Chapel has served the Indian American community for over fifteen years. Both maintain lists of pandits and can facilitate introductions if the family has not arranged one.
Pandits can also be found through local temples, through platforms like Sulekha.com, or through the Hindu Spiritual Care Institute, which provides a detailed last rites guidance checklist. The conversation with the pandit about post-cremation ceremonies, including the 13th-day ceremony and other rituals, should happen before the cremation takes place, not after.
Carrying ashes to India
If the deceased wished their ashes to be immersed in the Ganga or scattered at another sacred site in India, the process requires official documentation that takes time to obtain. Families who attempt to carry ashes without the correct paperwork face customs delays that are distressing and entirely avoidable.
The central document is a No Objection Certificate (NOC) from the Indian Consulate. For Bay Area families, this is processed through the Consulate General of India in San Francisco.
Required documents are:
- the original death certificate
- the cremation certificate
- the passport of the deceased
- The person carrying the ashes will also need their own ID and proof of address.
- For holders of Indian passports, the NOC is free. For US citizens of Indian origin/OCI holders, fees vary by jurisdiction. For Washington DC and Atlanta the fee is approximately $40-$60. The Consulate General of India, San Francisco lists the fee as free.
- Do not book travel until the NOC has been issued. The Consulate advises this explicitly.
The Indian airport of arrival must receive at least 48 hours’ advance notice before the ashes arrive. Most airlines accept cremated remains as carry-on baggage. The urn must be of a material that allows X-ray screening — wood or plastic is generally accepted. Metal urns are not permitted in carry-on luggage. Confirm the airline’s requirements before travel.
Scattering ashes in U.S. waters
Many Indian American families choose to scatter ashes in the Pacific Ocean, sometimes as the sole rite. This is legal under federal and California law, with specific requirements that are not widely known.
Under federal EPA rules, ashes must be scattered at least 3 nautical miles from shore. Scattering from a beach, pier, or enclosed bay is not permitted. All materials placed in the water — flowers, petals, biodegradable urns — must be biodegradable. Non-biodegradable containers cannot be deposited in the ocean.
In California, a Disposition Permit (VS-9 form) must be obtained from the county health department before the ceremony, at a cost of $12. Within 30 days of the scattering, a Notice of Completion must be filed with the EPA through the agency’s Burial at Sea Reporting Tool. Failure to file is a federal violation even though no pre-authorization is required.
Most licensed charter operators who offer ash scattering services handle both the VS-9 permit and the EPA notice on the family’s behalf. Confirming this before booking removes a significant burden during an already difficult time.
The limits of this guide
This guide is a starting point, not a complete roadmap. Estate planning needs vary significantly depending on immigration status, visa category, whether assets exist in India, OCI versus Indian passport holder status, and family circumstances.
For anything involving assets in India, a consultation with an estate attorney familiar with cross-border planning is essential. Online tools like LegalZoom and Trust & Will work for simple US-only estates. They do not address NRI inheritance law or the specific requirements of OCI cardholders.
The POLST and DNR information in this article is specific to California. Requirements vary by state. The cultural barrier to this conversation is also real — a checklist will not dissolve it alone.
What Sukham and Desi Daughters offer is something a checklist cannot: community, stories, shared identity, and the permission structure that makes the conversation possible.
Salina Shah of Desi Daughters offers the most direct reframe: “Have the conversation with your loved ones to understand what their end-of-life wishes are. This is a gift to our parents to honor their wishes and also a parent’s gift to us of clarity and peace of mind, instead of second-guessing, sibling conflicts, stress, and guilt.”
