Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
Sindhu Xirasagar’s story
Sindhu Xirasagar, an immigrant from India, arrived in the United States 40 years ago to pursue a Master’s degree in computer engineering.
“Until I fell in love with Cruz when I was 30, I didn’t even know I was attracted to women,” said Xirasagar. “I grew up in India for the first 23 years of my life, and this is not talked about at all.
“I’m of a generation when it wasn’t ok to be LGBTQ in the US as well as India. The AIDS crisis was going on, and there was a lot of vocal hostility from the community. Earlier, it was ok to live our separate lives, but then it became very punitive and judgmental, and felt hurtful in light of all the people who were ill and were dying.”
“In that environment, I was very careful about revealing my partnership with Cruz. We both worked in the same place and many people knew that we lived together as well, but it was a don’t ask, don’t tell situation for decades. As first-generation immigrants, both of us were so career-focused. You don’t have any support if you lose your job. It was so all-consuming. So we had to be very careful on multiple fronts.”
Xirasagar grew up in a household with three sisters. It was an egalitarian household, in which she and her sisters were encouraged to be independent-minded by their parents.
“That was very helpful for me,” Sindhu recalls. “When I realized I was in love with Cruz, it was kind of surprising, but I didn’t feel I had to restrain myself from being with her.”
Xirasagar’s sisters were supportive, but with her parents, it was a different matter. “We didn’t explicitly say anything about our relationship. This is so not talked about in India, that there are no words to express it.”
However, her parents embraced all Xirasagar’s friends, and they welcomed Cruz. “Cruz and I bought a house together and we were open about it. When my mother talks to her friends, she says, “Oh, these two are like a couple.” And she has treated her like one of the family since day one.”
Desi queer teenagers and their families have a very difficult situation to navigate, explains Xirasagar, as the desi culture demands conformance to the norms and is not inclusive of gay people. It’s important to be there for people who need support, who are not being accepted by family or don’t know how to tell their family, she adds.
Xirasagar founded the Desi Antiracism Group and is a board member of Not In Our Town Princeton, a multi-racial, multi-faith group of individuals who stand together for racial justice and inclusive communities.
She tells the story from a friend who told her about a friend’s son who attempted to commit suicide; it was only then that his family found out about his sexuality. His mother was accepting, though his dad was less so. “The son shared that it was very helpful that his mother’s friends were all there for him. Building community support and being there for each other is so important.”
“Get involved in justice initiatives,” urges Xirasagar. “Stay involved, though there are times we aren’t in a position to do much. That’s ok. Give grace to yourself and others when circumstances don’t allow us to contribute as much as we wish to. We are all bumbling along in life’s journey, and can only try to make the world a better place with each other’s support.”
Aries Liao’s Story
Dr. Aries Liao, a 1.5 generation, queer, Taiwanese psychotherapist in private practice, came to the US at 15. Her mother’s process of accepting her queer identity is an ongoing aprocxess. Liao’s mother initially said nothing. Then she wanted to kick Liao out, but then changed her mind. Her mom is aware of Liao’s advocacy, but doesn’t ask about it. She didn’t attend Liao’s marriage ceremony at City Hall, but did attend a pride parade.
When Aries was 22:
Mom:You have been watching a lot of news about gay people.
Liao: Are you trying to ask me if I’m gay?Mom: Yeah, something like that.Aries: Yeah, I am.
Liao: Okay. (walks away)A few days later:
Mom: I’m kicking you out.
Liao: Okay, I get it.Mom: You can’t make me accept something I cannot accept.
Liao: I get it. I’m not asking you to accept it. Everybody’s got their own lives. If it makes you uncomfortable, I’ll go.A day later:
Mom: I don’t really want you to go, but I cannot accept this.
Liao: Okay, I get it.On the day of Aries’ marriage ceremony at City Hall:
Mom: Is it okay if I don’t come? I just can’t.
Liao: It’s okay, if you feel like you can’t, you can’t.
Over the years, Liao says that she and her mother have tried to make peace. “It has gotten better,” she says. “It’s something I don’t think she’s been fully able to accept. Her way of acceptance in a non-accepting way is that we can spend time together, and she is very nice to my partner.”
“She’s at where she’s at. She has her life, and I have mine.”
Liao is involved in Q-Wave, a community for lesbian, bisexual, trans, and gender non-conforming (LBTQ/GNC+) folks of API descent. Q-Wave will celebrate their 20th anniversary this year. It offers a safe space for social and political organizing and support groups.
Q-Wave recognizes that it has lost members, especially in its early years, to suicide and mental health decline, due to the pain of being ostracized by family, and the lack of social and mental health support. Liao joined some of Q-Wave’s steering committee members and individuals in the community to create the Asian Pride Project. Through conversations in the community, the project creatively attempts to shift the culture of homophobia and alienation within API communities and beyond.
“Families go through a coming out process, too,” states the Asian Pride Project. “You can hear stories of lesbian, gay, transgender and queer triumphs and struggles in our Asian and Pacific Islander (API) communities through the eyes of parents, elders and family.”
Liao adds, “We focus on the pain and the struggle of the individual’s coming out process. Families are either really celebrated for their acceptance or they are demonized when there is alienation or rejection of their child. Acceptance is a process and acceptance comes in many different forms, and it’s important that we don’t give up on the process, and there is going to be hurt on both sides, but the fundamental thing that causes the hurt is the love that ties the family together. If you feel the pain, you know the love is there.”
Asian Pride Project is working on a film about a Pakistani Muslim family, centered on the father’s acceptance process of his lesbian-identified daughter. The film focuses on the father, according to filmmakers, because “mothers are usually the ones speaking out and feeling the presence and support of your father is so important as well.”
In 2014, Asian Pride Project created a photography exhibition titled Our Portraits, Our Families, at the Museum of Chinese in America in Manhattan’s Chinatown. It’s “one example of the impact and meaningfulness of being able to see and imagine family acceptance,” says Liao. Visitors from various parts of Asia came to be a part of this exhibition and experience the possibility of family acceptance. “Seeing that response was when Asian Pride Project understood this work is even more important and life-saving than we realized,” she commented
Considering what is going on right now, Liao says she is grateful that this work is making a difference. “The wish is that we are all braver at this point in time, to stand up and share our stories together.”
“We hope that one day there is no need for this kind of work.”
Photo by Alexander Grey: https://www.pexels.com/photo/person-with-body-painting-1209843/