Arjun’s story

Arjun (name changed on request), a 45-year old businessman who has been living in the Bay area for the past 20 years has been struggling with the problem of excessive anger in his life. He gets into uncontrolled rage and is unable to snap out of it. Arjun has been married for the past 15 years, and his spouse, Neerja, is an accountant. 

Recently, Neerja has threatened to leave Arjun because of his anger problem and told him that unless he takes care of it, she is not going to live with him.  They have one teenage son, Advik, who has also expressed frustration over Arjun’s anger problem. Arjun has also gotten into problems with his clients due to his anger issues and lost business relations in the past. He approached us seeking help with his problem. 

Question: Why do I have an anger problem?

Dr. Sharma: Arjun, anger is an emotion. All of us experience it from time to time and it is normal. It often happens when we are not able to achieve a desired goal in a desired time or manner.  In your case, it seems to have become a habit and is frequently uncontrolled.  Uncontrolled anger results in the release of various hormones and neurotransmitters.  These cause harm to oneself in the short term such as rising blood pressure, contracting of heart muscles, and increase in gastric secretions. In the long term, it can lead to various chronic ailments such as hypertension, headaches, migraine, post-traumatic stress disorder, stroke, and so on. It also has deleterious effects on others like what you are experiencing in the form of threats to your relationships. 

Question: How can I manage my anger problem?

Dr. Sharma: Arjun, your acknowledgment of your anger problem is the first step toward managing it effectively. Most psychologists agree that there is no point in hiding, repressing, denying, or suppressing anger. If we do any of these the hormones and neurotransmitters that are liberated will cause harm.  

In your case, you are not repressing but seem to be freely expressing your anger, and in an aggressive manner. In the process, your body is releasing hormones and neurotransmitters that are harming yourself and your relationship with others.  So, you need to change how you respond to your anger. If you feel angry, try to apply the anger management technique elaborated by the American Psychologist, Albert Ellis.

To deal with anger without causing harm, Ellis suggests simply showing annoyance and irritation in an assertive (not aggressive) manner. To do this, first calm yourself internally. The moment you feel you are getting angry, tell yourself you are calm and in control. Remind yourself that you would express your views assertively and not aggressively. Start by practicing this approach in an imaginary situation and then translating it into real situations. The more you practice the better you will get at it. Cultivating a sense of humor also goes a long way in dealing with anger.

Question:  How can my family help me in my efforts to control my anger?

Dr. Sharma:  Arjun, there are several ways your family can help you. Eric Berne, a Canadian psychiatrist, described some approaches in his book on transactional analysis, Games People Play. Your family members can help you if they understand that when you are angry you are in the “rebellious child” ego state and any amount of reasoning is not going to help; so they need to be in the “nurturing parent” ego state first by giving you unconditional support. When you have calmed down, they could talk to you rationally like an “adult” to help you see your mistakes. 

Another approach is that of active listening where they could try and see the problem from your perspective before responding. You should also proactively practice this approach to foster good relations and minimize anger in your life. 

Question: How can I improve my communication to manage anger?

Dr. Sharma: Besides active listening and looking at a situation from the other person’s perspective, try asserting or expressing your opinions without getting emotional.  The third approach to improve communication while reducing anger is to apply conflict-handling styles.  If the matter is trivial, avoid it. If you are in the wrong, try to accommodate the other person’s view. If you want to work in synchrony with others, practice collaborative style. When both parties are going to benefit, compromise. Finally, only when a quick decision is needed you must in a non-aggressive way compete for the solution.

Question: Is there guidance based on Indian philosophy?

Dr. Sharma:  Indian philosophy is very rich in resources for anger management, specially using introspective meditations. In these, the negative emotion of anger is channeled into positive, healthy, constructive, and achievable goals. Physical activity, healthy eating, getting adequate sleep, etc. are all good lifestyle habits which prevent anger build-up. So, instead of getting angry, we should aim to set achievable goals. 

Apologizing if we made a mistake, understanding our contribution to any situation that led to anger escalation and then rectifying that situation is a great step forward.  We must quickly identify our errors, make amends, and promise to ourselves not to repeat them. This kind of acknowledgment and commitment to de-escalation of situations is very helpful. 

Another lesson from Indian philosophy is that not everything can be changed, fixed, or altered. So, accepting nature’s will is the key. Finally, the art of letting go of one’s ego and the urge to control also diffuses anger in a major way.

Question: Can you share some resources?

Dr. Sharma: Here are some resources for anger management:

If you have questions, reach out to Dr. Sharma at editor@indiacurrents.com.

Manoj Sharma, MBBS, Ph.D., MCHES® is an Indian-American global public health expert, author, and educator who has written several books and publications on mental health and wellness. He answers queries...