PART TWO: Healing & Opening My Heart Again
Three years after losing her husband, Vandana Kumar opened her heart and mind to the possibility of love and companionship. How did she feel ready to move on in her life? In a follow-up conversation with certified science-based relationship expert Jasbina Ahluwalia, Vandana explains the importance of being true to yourself in finding joy again. Edited excerpts below.
Jasbina: To help people who may not be quite there yet, what helped you heal and feel ready to open your heart again?
I spoke to a few people who had lost partners to understand what they were dealing with and how they were coping. I realized everyone’s journey is different. And the men seemed to have moved on faster than the women had.
I connected with a woman who I had known for a long time – she had lost a spouse just like I had. She came from the same part of the country that I did, so she understood my sensibilities. What I really loved about her was that she was quite open to everybody about the fact that she was looking for a partner.
And she did get people talking behind her back and saying she’s so desperate to find another person. Why do we say that? Why do we say that only to women? But I have to say that she inspired me because, even at her age, she was willing to be open. And I’m really happy to tell you that she did find love again. They are now married and she has a vibrant new life. I love that for her.
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Jasbina: Do you have guidance or advice for widows facing judgment or cultural expectations about finding love again? From what you say, being true to yourself and consulting with people that you can trust in your world helps.
Vandana’s Response: First you have to be true to yourself. And second, you have to have a trusted circle of love around you. They offer amazing support and become an incredible resource as well. A friend of a friend introduced me to Vijay. These two friends had not even met both of us.
Jasbina: So your friend hadn’t ever met Vijay, and Vijay’s friend hadn’t ever met you?
Vandana’s Response: Yeah, yeah, but they knew each other. Vijay’s friend said I have a friend, and I think he’d make an incredible partner for someone.
When my friend heard this, she thought he sounded like someone who could be a good fit for me. She called me but I was petrified when she told me.
Jasbina: Tell us more about that because I love how very real that reaction is – you were like, wait, this is really happening? What if any hesitations did you have?
Vandana’s Response: My friend Deepka Lalwani is the one who introduced us. She called me one day and asked, have you thought about the future?
Deepka said, “My friend told me about this guy she works with. He and his boys had cooked dinner together (for her), including gulab jamun! I think this would be a good person for you to meet.”
Since I’d never dated, I didn’t know what to do. But I started thinking about that possibility.
Fifteen days later, she called and asked, have you thought about it?
I was still very unsure. In a way, it felt frightening. It was something I’d never done before, but I knew my family would be supportive.
Jasbina: How did you know that? As we know, there are a lot of societal and cultural pressures there.
Vandana’s Response: How did I know that? The answer is very simple. My husband called a family meeting when he knew he was not gonna make it, and said to his whole family, ‘I don’t want any of you guys to put any expectations on Vandana. She needs to live a normal life. She needs to find another partner.’
Jasbina: Oh, wow. So that was his last gift of love. That’s amazing.
Vandana’s Response: All that to his parents, to his siblings, to partners in the business, to my friends. My family would have supported me anyway. But to have my husband’s side of the family support me was huge.
When my children found out that I was dating Vijay, they went to complain to their dada ji. And I remember hearing my father-in-law say that is exactly what your dad wanted.
When I was dating Vijay, they were 17. They were 14 when their dad passed.
My father-in-law used to live with me, and my children had a very close relationship with him. He continued to be a strong male figure in their lives.
Jasbina: Your father-in-law cared for you as his daughter as well as his grandchildren – that’s incredible.
Vandana’s Response: I do recognize that what I had was incredible. Because it’s one thing for my family to support my choices and wholly another for my in-laws too.
Jasbina: It’s very inspirational that if it happened with you, it can happen with others’ families too. It’s within the realm of possibility even if societal pressures are headwinds to that.
I understand that you found love again with a divorced single father – how did you feel about being with someone who had been through a divorce? Were there any concerns or judgments from within yourself or from others?
Vandana’s Response: It’s normal to have these concerns, I think. Wondering what caused that relationship to break? But having lived life, I realized stuff happens and some relationships don’t stand the test of time.
I’d been running a business for a long time, so I had experience in dealing with different kinds of folks. And that’s how I ended up meeting with him because Deepka told me not to think of it as a blind date, but to pretend it was another person I was meeting for work.
That was a great way to look at the first meeting. I’m not scared of meeting new people, I do it all the time for work. It was this big weight, thinking he was a potential partner, you know? I didn’t need to have that pressure up front.
I met him for coffee at Starbucks and I had a great time. And so I thought, I could meet this person again. Then we went out for lunch, and then we went out for a hike.
I liked how I felt about myself when I was with him.
Remember earlier how I said I felt like I was the “man” of the family? With him, I felt like a woman. I felt cherished, I felt cared for. I was wooed with poetry and flowers, and it was a heady experience for somebody who had never been through dating.
I don’t know if people write poetry to each other these days. Maybe that’s the norm!
I felt good around him. And I started evaluating a future with him. And this year, we celebrated 20 years together!
Jasbina: How did your experience finding love again shape your perspective on love and relationships?
Vandana’s Response: I’m not sure I have much wisdom to offer, but one point that I’ve mentioned earlier about being honest with yourself, I think that’s very key to understanding what is it that you want.
The second thing is, who is part of your trusted circle? It could be one person, it could be 100. But you must have someone to lean on, that’s important. It helps especially when you are feeling uncertain about things.
Today’s generation approaches relationships very differently. And they’re much more honest and authentic in a way that our generation was not. And we had societal pressures that mandated that we behave a certain way.
Today, we don’t have the same expectations, so things are different. If you want to explore another relationship, then opportunities will come your way. People can only open doors, Jasbina. You actually have to walk through them.
Jasbina: Absolutely. Was there anything specific – the support of your inner circle, loved ones, therapy, support groups, spiritual practices – anything that helped feel emotionally ready to welcome love into your life again?
Vandana’s Response: I did the whole shebang. I went to grief therapy. I read the Bhagavad Gita. I leaned on my family and friends. I went to a support group for single-again folks in the Bay Area. It was a relief to know that I was not the only one going through this turmoil.
It normalizes that for you. And then, being among your peers, people that came from India, who understood what that background was and what it is that I was struggling with. That helped.
Jasbina’s comment: Yes. It can happen, but only if it’s what you want.
Vandana’s Response: Yeah. Relationships are like that. Relationships only work when both parties are moving towards the same goal.
Now, we might be at different stages of our personal journeys, but, we still need to be moving towards that same goal. And this can happen at any stage of life, whether you’re dating for the first time or trying to find love again.
Jasbina: For those hesitant about opening their hearts to love again after loss, if you have one final piece of guidance or inspiration- what would it be?
Vandana’s Response: Hmmm, I would say be true to yourself. You deserve it. If you don’t want another relationship, hey, that’s absolutely fine.
But if you are looking for something else then you have to acknowledge this, because only then you can actually move forward and take action.
And that action may be scary, it may be the first time you’re doing things, but when I think about myself as someone who’d never had any experience, never dated anyone, never had a relationship before, I was able to navigate that. You too can.
Jasbina: Absolutely, you can. I love that. And I think that is something that crosses every stage of life.
Because there are different fears at every stage. So I would argue that’s great for finding love at any stage.
Thank you for ending on such an inspirational note and thank you for sharing – I think it’s an act of service that you did for the readers. So thank you so much.
Read PART ONE: Love. Connect: A Journey of Love, Loss & Finding Joy Again, in which Vandana Kumar shares her journey about dealing with grief and learning to accept it was ok to find a new relationship again.
Relationship Columnist Jasbina Ahluwalia authors ‘Love.Connect.,’ our monthly column on everything about relationships and love. Feel free to submit dating and relationship questions for potential selection to info@intersectionsmatch.com, with “India Currents” in the subject line.