PART ONE: A Journey of Love, Loss & Finding Possibility Of Joy Again
When Vandana Kumar lost her husband to cancer in 2001 she was a young wife and a mother to two teenage boys. She shared her journey about dealing with grief and learning to accept it was ok to find a new relationship again, with certified science-based relationship expert Jasbina Ahluwalia of ‘Love.Connect.,’ our new monthly column on everything about relationships and love
Edited excerpts below.
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Jasbina: Can you share a bit about your journey of love, loss, and finding love again?
Vandana’s Response: Well, I think my story is similar to many immigrant women’s. I came to this country as an arranged marriage bride. My husband Rajiv was a wonderful man and I became the queen of his castle. I don’t say that lightly because I realize how special it is to have that.
But life had other plans for us.
In 2001, we discovered that he had stage four lung cancer. Within six months of this discovery, he passed away and I became a widow.
I was 38 years old, a mother of twin boys who just graduated from middle school and all I was thinking about was how on earth do I manage my life? It was an incredibly scary time for me. Rajiv was the primary breadwinner. It was just a really confusing time Jasbina, trying to understand the path forward.
That period of love and then loss was followed by a long period of aloneness and then loneliness. I think of these two things as quite separate. Being alone means not being part of this integral partnership that I had with my husband.
It was about the time my children went on to college that I realized I was lonely. Though I was surrounded by loving friends and family, I longed for companionship. Speaking to somebody at the end of the day, complaining about, you know, the silliest of things—I heard this on television, and I really didn’t like this person’s comment. It’s silly stuff, but it’s what you share with your partner. I missed that.
Jasbina: Clearly you were surrounded by a lot of love from your inner circle. Did you come across any view that widows shouldn’t attempt to find love again?
Vandana’s Response: When you used the word widow, it took me back to 2001.
I didn’t want to become a “widow” because my idea of a widow was everything I had seen in the Bollywood movies. I’d have to wear a white sari, and I’d have to look like a different person, not participate in any social activities, not have fun.
So when people invited me, I’d say no, because I didn’t know how to behave in public. I realized that while it was easier for me to stay away and not have all these thoughts churning in my head, it wasn’t good for my kids. I had to go back into society. I knew it came at a cost, but it came at a cost to me and not to my children.
Also, I was very confused – was it ok to smile/laugh? I had this internal dialog going on in my head: they’re going to say, look at her, her husband died, and she is laughing. Very filmi, I know. But that’s real, Jasbina. That’s all of that stuff that was going on in my head.
I still remember the first day I was genuinely happy after my loss – seeing my children performing a fun dance on stage. It’s been almost 25 years, and I still remember that day in March when I laughed and actually felt joy for the first time.
And I had thought that that time was past for me. I never thought I would feel joy again.
As I’ve said before, I have an incredible support system, incredible friends and family, all of whom nurtured me during this period. I think it was three years after my husband passed that I realized that I didn’t want to continue as I was. My children were going to head off to college. So I was perhaps more willing, in my head, then, to accept that I wanted a relationship again.
Jasbina: After experiencing the loss of your first husband, what were the emotional challenges or fears that you faced when considering finding love again?
Vandana’s Response: Well, I can’t say that I had a plan. Everything sort of evolved as I went along.
I’d never had the experience of dating. I went to an all-girls school, then an all-girls college, then I got married, and I came here. So I didn’t even know how to go about navigating that.
This was a long time ago and I don’t think online dating was a thing. I didn’t know where to start when I realized I was lonely.
Jasbina: You didn’t date before so that first marriage was your experience of a romantic relationship. In what ways did that shape your perspective on relationships when you entered the dating phase for the first time?
Vandana’s Response: My marriage really shaped my perspective because I had a loving spouse and I wanted to have that relationship again.
I have heard from other friends that when you have a bad marriage, then you are reluctant to seek another relationship because that colors your vision of what a relationship can be.
I didn’t have that. I had a good marriage. So I was perhaps Pollyanna-ish to think that all relationships are like that. I believe that if anyone has had a good relationship once, that’s something you can aspire to again.
Jasbina: I know that after three years you were ready to open your heart again – so how did you cope with the grief of widowhood while also being open to new possibilities for love?
Vandana’s Response: What helped me? Just having that clarity, because I tussled with that for a year or so before I even acknowledged that what I was yearning for was actually companionship. I just didn’t know how to go about it.
In the early years after my husband had passed, there was just too much to deal with. So there was no time to think about your personal needs, you know? There was always some fire to fight. I moved from one firefighting situation to another, trying to organize life. The thought of my children leaving for college was perhaps the catalyst that made me realize that having them at home gave me purpose. When I knew they were going to leave, I began staring at the void of this empty house that I was coming to every night.
I realized that you can lie to the outside world, but you have to be true to yourself. If you want things to change, you have to acknowledge what you’re looking for.
Look out for PART TWO: Love. Connect: Healing & Opening My Heart Again, in which Vandana Kumar discusses how she moved on in her life by opening her heart and mind to the possibility of love and companionship.
Relationship Columnist Jasbina Ahluwalia authors ‘Love.Connect.,’ our monthly column on everything about relationships and love. Feel free to submit dating and relationship questions for potential selection to info@intersectionsmatch.com, with “India Currents” in the subject line.