The South Asian marriage dynamic
Marriage is the union of two individuals who have committed to spending their lives together. Among South Asians, it is also sometimes arranged by well-meaning elders. Arranged marriages are often seen as a practical means of finding a compatible life partner, with similar family values, socioeconomic status, and cultural compatibility.
In arranged marriages in urban areas, individuals now meet, get to know each other, sometimes go out, and then give their consent before committing to marriage, thereby blending tradition with modern dating dynamics.
Irrespective of how couples come together, the Indian family is deeply involved in the institution of marriage, believing it to be a union of two families – a concept ingrained over millennia! They also sometimes provide a support system. Those settled in the US, unfortunately, are unable to leverage this familial support and need to navigate the challenges of marriage on their own!
In the U.S., Asian Americans have the highest marriage rate (65% compared to 61% for white Americans) and the lowest divorce rate (4% versus 10.5% for white Americans). Studies indicate that, compared to the broader U.S. population, Asian American families tend to be more stable and experience lower divorce rates.
Sexual intimacy is vital
Sexual intimacy is vital for physical connection, and emotional and psychological safety. Lack of it can cause vulnerability, anxiety, longing, and frustration. Many couples experience the common pursuer-distancer dynamic, where one partner seeks more intimacy while the other pulls away—either due to a lack of desire or because of other stressors. Sometimes, couples struggle with communication, which can turn moments of connection into sources of discomfort or tension.
Hyperidealized romantic love
Often, societal pressures and idealized portrayals of sex and intimacy — whether from media, books, or cultural influences — can create unrealistic expectations. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy or the belief that something is wrong if intimacy doesn’t align with those portrayals.
There is no single rule to navigate sexual intimacy. Ultimately, what is fulfilling and pleasurable should be defined by both partners, and open communication is key to discovering and nurturing that connection together.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
John Gottman, a world-renowned psychologist and professor emeritus at the University of Washington is known for his research on marital stability and divorce prediction. He talks about the ‘Four Horsemen’ that can break a marriage.
Criticism: The objective of this is to address your partner’s behavior or personality negatively. This differs from constructive criticism, which aims to provide helpful feedback. For instance, saying ‘How come you never get this right?’ is a personal attack that makes your partner feel bad and escalates the conflict.
- Contempt: Contempt can be conveyed in many ways, not just verbally. Eye-rolling, sneering, smirking, exaggerated sighs, and so on, are all gestures and expressions that chip away at marital goodwill!
- Defensiveness: When one feels attacked or criticized, the goal then becomes to protect or shield oneself at any cost. This is exacerbated when the other partner refuses to take any responsibility or accountability.
- Stonewalling: Stonewalling happens when one of the partners adopts a dismissive posture – such as turning away, crossing arms, avoiding eye contact, or conversely, giving a long piercing stare. The intention is to communicate disinterest or detachment. Gottmann reports that people stonewall to protect their emotions and this is predominant in men.
Some forms of these Four Horsemen are prevalent in most marriages. We cannot completely avoid them but we can identify, mend, and reconnect to prevent escalation. Consider the following:
Using “I” messages in a way that helps express your feelings without sounding critical.
Example: I think we need to spend more together as we are getting busier with our over-scheduled work. Can we try to come up with some time for ourselves?
Although individuals may sometimes exhibit behaviors that can be perceived as contempt towards their partners, these negative effects can be mitigated by intentionally expressing appreciation, fondness, and respect.
Example: You seem to be tied up even on weekends with your upcoming deadline at work. How can I help ease some of the household chores and responsibilities?
Practicing self-awareness is useful in partner interactions to identify defensiveness. While being attacked is unpleasant, consciously taking responsibility for one’s part in any disagreement can prevent escalation.
Example: I think I need to get ready on time for us to get somewhere on time.
When stonewalling occurs, tell your partner you need to delay the discussion. Activities like exercising, listening to music, taking a break, or individual therapy can help create mental space.
Example: I understand it is important for us to talk about it, but I am not ready to talk about it now. Can I please get back to you about this?
Mohit and Falak’s story
Mohit* and Falak* came in for couples therapy after 14 years of marriage. They are stuck in a conflict and unable to communicate, with the added stressors of fast-paced Silicon Valley jobs. They have an 11-year-old daughter and have communication issues with her too. Earlier, they enjoyed playing badminton and hiking, but are now unable to find leisure time.
During therapy, both expressed feeling overwhelmed with their workload. Falak expressed feeling overwhelmed by the household tasks with Mohit not contributing much. Mohit disagreed, saying “Regardless of how much I do, it is never enough”, or “She does not approve of the way I do the chores.”
During therapy, we identified the root of their problem as their communicating styles, which they imbibed from their families of origin, being rooted in the Four Horsemen.
Fortunately, both are committed to building awareness, observing their roles, and working on improvement. Mohit agreed to take on more household responsibilities, and Falak agreed not to nitpick on how he did them. Mohit also agreed to help more with their daughter’s homework and spend more time with her. Both agreed to spend time together by going on walks after work and possibly resuming badminton on weekends.
Tips to make your marriage work:
- Communicate openly and honestly about wants and needs.
- Foster both physical and emotional intimacy. Support each other during difficult and stressful times.
- Accept each other without trying to force change.
- Understand that disagreements are natural; work towards common goals.
- Commit to resolving conflicts without blame.
- Focus on self-improvement, not playing the victim or critic.
*Names changed to protect identities.