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Forgiving with intention
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” — Mahatma Gandhi
My mother used to tell us that if someone misbehaves, we should always remember that none of us is perfect and that everyone makes mistakes. She would advise us to bear in mind both the good and bad qualities of that person; if the good qualities outweigh the bad , we should cut that person some slack.
Forgiveness was a value deeply instilled in us from childhood. However, as I grew older, I realized that unconditional forgiveness is not always a virtue, and that if one is not assertive, people can misinterpret that virtue as weakness. A perfect example of this is bullying. If one allows a bully to continue the abusive behavior in the name of forgiveness, that is neither effective nor healthy. In light of such experiences, I decided to conduct my own research on “forgiveness” to develop some practical guidelines. I would encourage everyone to create their own personal policies and procedures for forgiveness, since each individual thinks, feels, and acts differently.
Forgiveness is letting go, not denial
Forgiveness means releasing resentment, bitterness, and the urge for revenge. It is the choice to stop letting someone’s behavior occupy your heart and mind.
The Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley defines forgiveness as “A conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.”
Notice what it does not include: forgetting the harm or condoning the act. You can forgive while keeping your boundaries strong.
Psychologists often distinguish decisional forgiveness (choosing not to retaliate) from emotional forgiveness (replacing resentment with calmer or even compassionate feelings). This distinction matters because sometimes you can decide to forgive long before your emotions catch up.
Why forgiveness matters
Scientific studies show forgiveness has real physiological and psychological benefits. It’s not just moral, it’s healthy.
According to a review by the American Psychological Association, forgiveness interventions lower anxiety, depression, and stress while improving relationships and life satisfaction. Research also links forgiveness to lower blood pressure and healthier heart-rate patterns because it reduces rumination and hostility.
The John Templeton Foundation’s 2020 report, “The Science of Forgiveness“, concluded that structured forgiveness programs, such as the REACH model developed by Dr. Everett Worthington, reduce anger and emotional distress.
Forgiving helps you heal. Holding grudges mostly hurts the one holding them.
Forgiveness is not a substitute for justice
The StopBullying.gov resource by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services stresses that bullying should be confronted through reporting and accountability, not silent endurance. Likewise, justice systems use restorative justice, which merges empathy with consequences, to prevent repeat harm.
Forgiveness is not a substitute for justice. The best formula is compassion + consequences.
Should forgiveness be conditional? It depends on whether we mean personal forgiveness or relational forgiveness.
- Inner forgiveness (your emotional release) is unconditional: you can do it even if the offender never apologizes.
- Relational forgiveness (rebuilding trust) must be conditional—based on apology, changed behavior, and clear boundaries.
This balanced view prevents what psychologists call “cheap forgiveness,” where people reconcile without accountability.
The psychology of forgiveness
Dr. Everett Worthington’s REACH model remains the most researched forgiveness program, which, as the ADA reports, can reduce depression and even improve physical health. The 5 tenets of the REACH model are:
- R – Recall the hurt honestly.
- E – Empathize with the offender as a human being, not to excuse but to understand.
- A – Altruistic gift: remember times when you were forgiven and offer that gift forward.
- C – Commit to the decision to forgive.
- H – Hold on to that decision, revisiting it when resentment returns.
Another approach, Catholic psychologist Robert Enright’s Process Model, outlines four phases of forgiving: uncovering anger, deciding to forgive, working on forgiveness, and discovery and release from emotional prison.
Both models agree that forgiveness is gradual, personal, and healthiest when it arises from strength, not guilt.
Forgiveness with consequences
From a social viewpoint, forgiveness operates within power systems. Pressuring those less powerful —students, employees, victims—to forgive prematurely can reinforce inequality. Sociologists emphasize procedural justice: fair rules, transparent consequences, and community support systems.
Modern restorative justice combines forgiveness with accountability. Victims and offenders meet under mediation, discuss harm, and create restitution plans. Studies show that such programs reduce re-offending only when apologies and behavioral change are genuine.
Thus, at a societal level, forgiveness works best when paired with structure—not silence.
Philosophers on forgiveness
Great philosophers saw forgiveness coming from a position of moral strength, not servility.
- Emmauel Kant, for example, emphasized that punishment must be based solely on the fact that a crime was committed, not for deterrence or social benefit. Justice, therefore, requires pure retribution that matches the offender’s moral desert.
- Hannah Arendt wrote that forgiveness allows humans to break the chain of retaliation, giving the future a chance, while still demanding judgment.
- Nietzsche claims that what people call “forgiveness” is really just forgetting, not a true moral virtue. In his view, forgiveness arises from mental weakness, not strength. He further argues that the oppressed who harbor resentment are not sincere or honest with themselves, making their supposed forgiveness inauthentic.
The consistent lesson: forgiveness is virtuous only when rooted in courage and truth, never in denial or fear.
Indian philosophy adds an inner dimension. In the Bhagavad Gītā, kṣamā (forgiveness) is listed as a daivic or divine quality. Lord Krishna lists forgiveness among divine virtues (16.3), yet he also urges Arjuna to fulfill his duty (3.19)—reminding us that forgiveness and action can coexist.
Practical Guidelines for Young People
- Don’t rush forgiveness. Feel your anger first; premature forgiveness can be fake or forced.
- Distinguish safety from spirituality. If someone keeps harming you, distance yourself first, decide about forgiveness later.
- Review the REACH model of forgiveness.
- Seek support. Talk to mentors, friends, or counselors. You don’t have to heal alone.
- Set boundaries. Forgiveness doesn’t mean re-exposing yourself to danger.
- Forgive yourself, too. Self-forgiveness—acknowledging mistakes without self-hatred—is equally vital.
- Practice small acts of forgiveness. Start with daily irritations: a rude text, a careless friend, a critical parent. These small acts build emotional muscles.
Remember, forgiving is a process. Expect back-and-forth feelings. It is like training a muscle—it strengthens with repetition.
Compassion and caution can coexist
Forgiveness is celebrated because it demonstrates self-mastery and frees the soul from bitterness. As Alexander Pope said, “To err is human; to forgive, divine.” Yet uncritical praise can be harmful when forgiveness is demanded from victims while offenders escape accountability.
The healthy principle is: forgive, but don’t forget what it taught you. Compassion and caution can coexist.
Forgiveness is both an art and a discipline. For young people, learning it early can prevent decades of emotional heaviness. But remember this balance:
- Forgive to reclaim your peace, not to please others.
- Forgive internally, but demand accountability externally.
- Forgive from strength, not submission.
- Forgive, but never forget your worth.
Forgiveness is not the end of justice—it’s the beginning of freedom.