Dr. Manoj Sharma, a Professor of Social and Behavioral Health and Internal Medicine and a global public health expert, answers queries on health and wellness.
Kishore, 54 years old, is a successful businessman in California’s SF Bay Area. He came to the United States 26 years ago. He was married to Rani for the past 30 years when last year she suddenly died following a heart attack. They have two adult children, 28-year-old Rahul and 26-year-old Soniya who are both married and live and work on the East Coast.
Kishore is unable to come out of grieving and misses his spouse. His emotions often range from anguish and fear to anxiety and anger. He is not happy with his state of mind and asked for help to alleviate his situation.
Q: Is my grief permanent?
Dr. Sharma: Kishore, when we lose a loved one, grieving is a normal emotion. It is not permanent but temporary, just like most things in life. Elisabeth Kubler Ross in her 1969 book, Death and Dying, identified five stages of grief. These are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages do not come necessarily in that order, and a person may experience different stages of grief at different times.
Q: Am I in denial and anger?
Dr. Sharma: Denial is feeling numb and often occurs right after bereavement. In this stage, a person may act as if nothing has happened. A person is not able to digest that a loved one is no longer with them and may sometimes even hear their voice or see them. Anger, as you are facing it, is a normal emotion and very natural when a loved one passes away. In your case, since you lost your spouse suddenly this may be even more accentuated. Your anger may be directed at your spouse or yourself or the circumstances. You need to identify the source and process it.
Q: How can I overcome anger and depression?
Dr. Sharma: In anger, the sympathetic nervous system gets activated in which adrenaline and noradrenaline hormones and other neurotransmitters are released that can eventually contribute to depression. If we get angry, there is no point in freely expressing it, hiding it, denying it, repressing it, or suppressing it. If we freely express our anger it is bound to activate the chemical release causing harm to us. If we hide, deny, suppress, or repress the anger, that too is unproductive because, in essence, we have initiated the chain of chemical liberation in our system.
Furthermore, such an approach leads to bitterness. In bitterness, we store our ill feelings for a long period only to be harmed by them. Western psychologists such as Albert Ellis advocate the approach of showing annoyance and irritation to the situation which makes us more effective at practically solving the problem. In showing annoyance and irritation, however, one should not get angry or let the sympathetic nervous system get activated, rather it should only be a token expression.
Q: How can I gain acceptance?
Dr. Sharma: Grief often comes in waves and sometimes it feels like nothing will be right again but that is not so. When you give it time, every injury, every pain, every wrongdoing heals. We may never be able to “get over” the loss of a loved one but we can learn to live again while keeping positive memories of our association and forgetting the negative ones.
Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971), an American theologian, beautifully summarizes this sentiment in his prayer written in the 1940s: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” The prayer highlights the important difference between what we can change and what we cannot change for which focused perception is needed. Things like death that cannot be changed must be accepted as such. You must take an active interest in your business and other things you enjoy doing that will help you.
Q: Is there any way based on Indian Philosophy to gain acceptance?
Dr. Sharma: Bhagavad Gita, Chapter 13, Verse 8, talks about the spiritual quality of kshanti or acceptance. In Buddhism, both in Theravada and Mahayana, it is one of the paramitas or means of perfection associated with higher spiritual beings. Acceptance must be inculcated at the thought, words and action level just like all good things in life. We must first streamline our thoughts to accept things as they are. Thoughts often precede words. Next, in our words, we must accept and accommodate situations. Finally, our actions must show that we accept situations as they are.
Q: How can my children and friends help me?
Dr. Sharma: The role of family and friends is crucial. However, you must reach out to them for help. You should be open to asking for support. The more you interact with them and talk about things other than your loss the better relief you will get. You should try to resume activities that you enjoyed doing with them before your loss. Even though your children live away from you, you should still establish regular talking time with them; these days technology offers us all the means to do so. You should also spend more time with your friends and not allow your mind to simply brood.
Q: Can you refer me to some resources in this area?
Dr. Sharma: Here are some resources from where you can find more information:
- National Institute of Health News in Health article about coping with grief and life after loss: https://newsinhealth.nih.gov/2017/10/coping-grief
- Health Guide’s article on coping with grief and loss: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm
- Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center’s article on coping with grief that describes seven things one should remember: https://www.mskcc.org/news/coping-grief-7-things-remember-when-dealing-loss
- A website from Mental Health America about bereavement and grief: https://www.mhanational.org/bereavement-and-grief
- Harvard Health Website provides information on how to deal with grief: https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/how-to-deal-with-grief
If you have questions, reach out to Dr. Sharma at editor@indiacurrents.com