Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
A conversation about friendship
No matter our age, there is one topic most of us discuss: Friendship. I have been hearing a lot of complaints and conversations about friendships ending or becoming toxic over time and people grappling with it.
How could we go from eating lunch together in first grade to not talking to each other? We were best friends for 40 years. How can she not care?” a client was devastated.
Separately, I was speaking with a good friend of mine, Neha—someone I have known for three decades—and she confessed that she is no longer in touch with most of her childhood friends. I have to say something about her energetically is lighter and happier ever since she cut the cord. More about that later.
The Forever Club
A few years ago, what my client and my friend Neha said, would have been blasphemous for me. I used to be the self-appointed president of the forever-club. But I’m beginning to understand that not all friendships are meant to last forever. Maybe they’re meant to cross our paths when we need each other and then fade away. That’s OK.
People discover new interests, meet different social circles, and adapt to shifting life stages. Sometimes, when faced with these changes, a friendship grows stronger as both individuals navigate new challenges; other times, it may naturally fade.
There was a time when I would hold onto a relationship that no longer served me, convincing myself it would get better. That if I did more, the person would see that I care deeply and reciprocate. I enabled many to reach out anytime they needed a safe space, venting spot, patient ear, or a non-judgmental conversation but never asked for anything in return. I used to pride myself on being the 9/11 call for many (a term coined by one of my friends).
Letting Go
Sometimes I used to hang onto a friendship because it was old. What did it say about me if I let it go?
But as my spiritual practice grew and life taught me some harsh lessons, I learned that letting go doesn’t mean the friendship wasn’t valuable or you hate the person. It simply means the friendship has run its course. It’s not true friendship if you feel exhausted or agitated or can’t stop your racing thoughts after engaging with a person. It’s not a nourishing relationship if you must constantly defend yourself and explain your choices.
Shared Effort: Friendships often require consistent effort from both sides—open communication, empathy, and a willingness to invest time in each other. A friendship can last a lifetime if both people are willing to keep it healthy and supportive.
After my father passed away, I realized that I had lost my safe space and emotional recharge spot in the world. I needed some friends to show up—it was their turn. I noticed who was there for fun-Sweta and who ghosted the minute I was drowning under dark grief.
The first year of losing Dad meant acknowledging my habit of over-delivering in every friendship and lessening communications with friends who believed that I would be there for them despite their absence. It hurt emotionally, and it took a while to get there. But I can honestly say that I am happier, and my heart feels lighter. I can give more to myself and those friends who deserve my love and attention, not the ones who feel entitled.
Life Changes and Ability to Relate: Sometimes major transitions—moving, changes in career, marriage, divorce, death, or having children—can reduce the time and energy available to maintain previous connections. A friendship might fade, not out of animosity but due to diverging paths and circumstances.
Going back to my friend Neha … that’s what happened with her. She’s no longer the person she was in high school or college. Moving to a new country in your early 20s, configuring a new identity, and raising a family with minimal support while focusing on your master’s degree, career, and dedication to keeping the culture alive … will transform you in numerous ways. Her attitude, lifestyle, sense of humor, priorities, and motivation have all changed over the years. She feels her friends back in India haven’t evolved at all. Because they have been in the same city, sometimes even house, since they were babies, their thinking is different. It becomes harder to connect authentically because the vibe and priorities are dissimilar.
Shared Values and Growth: As people develop over time, their interests, what matters most, and their outlook on life may change. If friends are growing in compatible ways or can accept each other’s shifts in perspective, they can remain close. If not, they might find themselves drifting apart.
I have made some incredible friends in the US—have lived here for 25 years now. Friends we met organically through common friends. Also, people I met in yoga studios, Ayurveda school, writing communities, dance studios, entrepreneurial spaces, at my job, book clubs, or at gatherings. People who share more than history or familiarity. There is no hidden agenda, bad jokes, or competition. We meet when we can meet but stay connected in some form or the other. We mention each other’s names in rooms even if the person isn’t present. It’s a sisterhood where we travel together, share opportunities, become vulnerable, support each other, and constantly check in if we aren’t just dumping our problems on a good listener.
Nature of the Bond: Certain friendships have a deep emotional bond that transcends changes, so when you reconnect—whether it’s been a month or a year—you can pick up right where you left off. It doesn’t matter where you live, your marital status, your career, your spiritual journey. Others may be strong only in a specific context (like at school or a particular workplace or childhood connection) and lose their vitality once that context is gone.
A few of my close friends are people I have known for decades. We lean on each other because of trust, respect, and empathy. We can even go months without speaking with each other. But when we connect, the bond is real.
While some friendships can last a lifetime, it’s also natural that others may end or evolve. I don’t think evolution in a relationship is necessarily bad or declares an end unless it is toxic.
Friendships can naturally fade and evolve after a point. Or serve their purpose and then wane away permanently. In saying goodbye to non-satisfying friendships, I have made space for newer, supportive relationships. That’s not a blessing I take for granted.
Photo by ELEVATE: https://www.pexels.com/photo/two-smiling-women-sitting-on-wooden-bench-1267696/