Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
“One of the greatest regrets in life is being what others would want you to be, rather than being yourself.”
― Shannon L. Alder
True-self and false-self
British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott came up with the theory of true-self and false-self in all of us. They are the psychological concepts of our being. The true self is the authentic, genuine self that comes from being spontaneous and uninhibited. The false-self, on the other hand, is a persona created to meet social expectations to gain approval and/or to protect the individual from perceived threats. It is a façade that may not accurately reflect one’s true feelings and desires.
The true self can be expressed and accepted by others in a nurturing and supportive environment. Parents/guardians can encourage the development of the true self by providing a secure base for the child to explore and express their feelings. When a child’s needs are not met or their true self is not accepted, they may develop a false self as a coping mechanism. Social expectations, cultural norms, and personal experiences can all contribute to the formation of the false-self.
An alternate persona to fit in
An alternate persona is formed to fit in, gain acceptance, or avoid rejection, and their behaviors are often driven by a need for approval from others – a defense mechanism to cope, to survive. This may also result in hiding vulnerabilities and true feelings, potentially leading to hiding their authentic self.
Our society lays down several ‘oughts and shoulds’ that sometimes do not allow our own authentic self to surface. In our Indian culture, there is an expectation to prioritize our family role – that of a father, daughter, son, wife, mother, etc. – over our personal goals. In such situations, our sense of self may get stifled or even lost.
As we continue to live in this world, this duplicity starts to impact our self-esteem. Ongoing societal expectations, cultural norms, and the environment contribute to shaping our sense of self.
A focus on self-acceptance
Our goal need not be to eliminate the false-self, but to recognize and integrate it. The true-self and false-self are not to be seen as just two equally divided parts, as we typically have more than just two selves, some more authentic than others. We cannot be our true selves all the time, as it depends on the people and environment we are in. It is also important to avoid creating an illusion of true self or authenticity and focus more on self-acceptance.
Unrecognized or unaddressed, these internal conflicts may show up as:
- Anxiety, depression, addiction, and eating disorders, etc.
- A sense of emptiness due to a lack of genuine connection,
- Isolation and loneliness, low self-esteem.
Here, and through Babu’s story below, I aim to address one of these concerns, but a significant one nonetheless: Eating Disorders.
Eating Disorders
Consider the statistics:
Less than 6% of people with eating disorders are medically diagnosed as “underweight.”
A focus on health
Eating a balanced, nourished meal is important for overall health. If it is undernourished, there can be a significant impact physically and also on our hormones. Some of the common experiences are:
- Anemia
- Stomach problems, gas, constipation
- Heart problems
- Kidney problems
- Amenorrhea
The word ‘false’ feels almost like a disease, meaning that it should be removed. The goal is not to remove the false-self but to observe, reflect, understand, and integrate it. That is when a therapist can help. After all, these are learned ways of how to survive in this world. If we pause and can put words to this experience, we can trace back to where we learnt this from. We owe it to ourselves to make this effort because, as an individual, your own self matters the most!
Banu’s story
Banu* is a freshman at a local public school. She used to find joy in dressing up and wearing some makeup while walking with her friends to school daily. Like many teenagers, she follows some Instagram stars who post their ‘look’ every day. She herself maintains an Insta page and has many followers.
Lately, she found herself not fitting into any of her clothes. Her body was changing due to puberty – her breasts were growing along with some shapes and curves in other parts of the body. Around the same time, she also started noticing that her friends were getting more likes than her and felt that this could be due to her physical change. She was desperate to get ‘her body back’!
The excitement that she used to find in dressing up was diminishing, and over time, she seemed to lose interest in clothes or make-up. She felt that her friends were looking differently, as one of her clothes didn’t fit anymore. She stopped walking to school with her friends and lost the chatting/sharing group she had. The drive to get ‘her body back’ led to fasting and trying laxatives to purge what little food she took!
Her mother saw her one evening in the bathroom as she was attempting to vomit. Initially, she thought it was some kind of bug, but as Banu revealed what had been going on over the last few weeks, the mother became alarmed. Banu’s all-consuming desire to get Insta likes led to her losing sleep, losing motivation, and extreme fatigue! Her primary care doctor recommended that she do counseling for her eating disorder.
Banu started seeing the school counselor, and after just three sessions, she felt the relief of being able to share her stressors with another. Banu felt relieved by sharing her stressors with a counselor. The counselor decided to recommend her to another therapist outside the school who specialized in ‘eating disorders’.
With the help of her therapist, Banu was able to identify the core issue with her eating pattern and help regain her new sense of self.
She had created this eating behavior to satisfy her false self, which solely relied on getting Insta approval and acceptance. She learnt that she had given control over her life, likes, and self-worth to outsiders! She continued therapy that helped her see the persona that she had created in her mind was not real, and learned to accept and celebrate her true self.
*Name changed on request
Resources for Eating Disorders
Eating Disorders Resource Center
National Eating Disorders Association