College admissions can be a source of stress
“I’ve spoken with young people across our country who feel weighed down by tremendous pressure that is affecting their mental health and well-being,” said the U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy. “For many of them, one important source of such stress is the college admissions process which they describe as being less about growth and exploration and more about checking boxes and fitting into a narrow definition of success.”
In recent years, it has only gotten harder. The pandemic further exacerbated the stress of college applications due to isolation and demands of distance learning, post that, there have been concerns over adapting to the new ‘hybrid’ world. It is sometimes easy to forget that we are asking 17/18-year-old kids to “figure out their lives” in a high-pressure environment against deadlines!
‘Enjoy this moment!’
Before I started my own therapy practice, I worked for some time as a high school counselor. Tina* was a rising senior and I saw her twice a week. She was referred to me for symptoms of depression. She had a 4.4 GPA and was in her high school Swim and Drama teams! Her day started at 6.00 am with two hours of swimming, before she came to see me at 8.30 and, then, went on to classes. Her day ended with drama practice, a few days a week. Somewhere in there, she had to complete her homework, prepare applications, eat, and, maybe, sleep! This is the life of a typical 17-year-old high-schooler. After she graduated from school and secured her college admission, she took a gap year to actually figure out what she wanted to do! When I asked her what she would like to tell her juniors in school, she said “Enjoy this moment, take time to create some fun memories and it is okay to not know what you want to do when you are in High School”.
Parents’ role
As a first-generation Indian parent in the USA, it is normal to feel overwhelmed with your teen’s college application process. My husband and I had to navigate a steep learning curve as our teenagers went through that. We also come from a populous, developing country where we had to compete very hard for education and employment. On the one hand, competition inculcates perseverance and drive, but, on the other, it can easily push parents and children into a mire of toxicity, comparison, and shame.
Comparing and shaming kids isn’t a strategy to encourage good behavior or better performance; it leads to fear-based compliance and creates distance between parents and their teens. It is also important for us parents to truly internalize that the path to a full life does not always have to go through strong academic credentials.
Here, in Silicon Valley, we act like only a handful of colleges exist! There are about 6000 colleges in this country and every teen, who seeks a college education, will be able to find an institution from this pool and create their own path.
Here are some learnings that I have gathered over years of conversations and structured sessions, with both parents and teens seeking college admissions.
Learnings for Parents
Interest trumps over institution: Finding out what your teen is interested and passionate about and encouraging them to take subjects in line with those is more important than being fixated on a supposed ‘A-list college’ that may or may not offer those.
Seek support: Working with a College Counselor helps, as it provides an opportunity for parents and teens to talk to a professional. Some of us may not have attended undergraduate school in this country and may find it hard to understand the demands and expectations of getting into a college.
Communicate with your teens: Many of us come from a generation of authoritarian parenting. Experts now advocate for a more balanced and responsive parenting style that prioritizes clear rules and expectations alongside warmth, understanding, and open communication. Your teen should be able to share with you their setbacks and triumphs openly and honestly. These approaches tend to promote healthier parent-teen relationships and better overall outcomes. If needed, do not hesitate to also talk to a therapist to work on any communication gaps with your teen.
Protect teens from peer pressure: While your teen is constantly comparing herself with her classmates, you should ensure that you do not add to that pressure. Comparing your teen to anyone else’s accomplishment, even in a non-related conversation, conveys that she/he is NOT doing enough. This is not to say that they should not know about other teens’ accomplishments, but sometimes when we, as parents, express those with a lot of excitement, the peer pressure is felt.
Different paths can lead to the same destination: There are several categories of educational institutions, and many paths can lead, eventually, to a desired college degree. If your teen is not ready to commit to a four-year college, the choice of two years in a community college, and then, a transfer to a four-year college, gives your teen time to know his or her interests and shine in the eventual institution of his or her choice. It really does not matter where and how you start your education process.
To STEM or not to STEM: STEM majors may guarantee a job out of school but does not ensure a career. Markets change and, as it is today, even degrees with a STEM major may not provide lifelong financial security. Instead of focusing on immediate job prospects, listen to and help your teen find his or her fields of interest and passion. It would help them get exposure to different industries through short-term projects and talk to people in different fields.
Learnings for Teens
Step out of your nest slowly: After nearly 18 years of living in your parents’ home, this is your first step out into the real world. Make your college decision based on your own interests in terms of subject, college environment, and how far you are willing to be away from your family. Don’t be swayed by peer pressure.
A hobby to make you happy: Try and develop a hobby that is NOT a requirement for a college portfolio. Once you move to a college, your hobbies and personal interests could help you find a community that shares your passions.
Communicate constantly: Keep your parents appraised of both your achievements and missteps. If your parents are first-generation immigrants, or unfamiliar with the typical college atmosphere, they may not always fully understand your experience. While cultural differences may impact communication, remember that they DO love you – so please talk to them with compassion. If your parents are not emotionally available, it is a good idea to seek a school counselor, therapist or other mentors in the community who can support you.
In conclusion, the college application process can indeed be a daunting time for both parents and teens. But if both sides collaborate and work with patience, understanding, and with open communication, families can navigate together in a less stressful way.
LISTEN with ears of Tolerance
SEE through eyes of Compassion
SPEAK with the language of Love
Rumi
*Name changed on request.
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April is College Decisions Month